TransLater

I'm a trans-woman. My wife is hetero-normative. She likes men. She isn't attracted to women. She likes some "effeminate" features: men with long hair, big butts, some minor make-up. But she - in her own words - likes the ineffable quality of masculinity.

As I've mentioned in other posts, my wife is politically as far left as one could go; trans ideologies are not foreign to her.

We have started "the big talk" last week and it started well. She was 100% supportive and was open to the idea of me transitioning. However, that was her knee-jerk reaction. As she's had time to mull on it, she's afraid she won't be attracted to me as I transition. She's worried that as my body/style changes, that she will lose her attraction to me. She's, frankly, not a lesbian.

We left the conversation in an uncomfortable place. It seems pretty clear that if I reached my transition goals, I would lose her. She really tried to not make that the ultimatum it sounds like, but I can read between the lines. We are both super open and we both love each other inside and out. My wife is just afraid that she won't be attracted to me anymore.

She's also afraid that I'll choose to not transition to protect our marriage. And her fears are well founded. I was thinking about starting hormones this year, but now I'm backing out quickly. To be honest, I'd rather never explore being trans than lose my wife. She's the best partner anyone could ask for. She provides love, support, fun, learning, etc. We also just started a family. I don't know what to say.

I know many of you are probably thinking that if I wait, I'll either be miserable or I'll eventually cave and transition later in life; at that point, we will have an even harder time in our marriage. That being said, my wife is leftist and open and open-hearted. She's willing to support me in trying out feminine things, but she's afraid hormones will make permanent changes that make me unattractive to her. So, maybe I can have the best of both worlds.

I have seen other people mention that they got a divorce and that was their solution. I think that's a valid solution for some people, but it's just not an option for me. I don't know how to explain it, but divorce seems far worse than any dysphoria I've experienced. I think that's the only way I can say it. I'd rather continue experiencing dysphoria than lose her.

So, is that my answer?

I'm not really expecting strangers on the internet to solve my marriage issues here. But I figured this little vent might resonate with some people and it might help others know they aren't alone.

🐰

I’ve been going to a personal trainer since the start of September and it’s been a life changing opportunity.

It’s a small fitness place, it’s run by two Agender individuals and one of the founders/owners is my personal trainer. The staff are all either neurodivergent, 2SLGBTQIA+, or both.

My Personal Trainer (let’s call them D) self described as agender, she/they, still is a mother, has a teenager with ASD and non-speaking and another kid who’s transgender with ASD. They themselves have ASD and are person no.2 whom told me to check if I was autistic as well (which I went and did, and ta-da I have AuDHD!)

D has helped immensely and among all of that it’s even just them holding space for me in their own chaotic life. They showed me all the trauma my body had gone through, especially with back surgery as a child with little/no after care in the long term and decades at that point of body-just-got-used-to-the-bad. Having been cheer captain in their younger years, I get told “no transfem is leaving this gym without a booty and boobs” and that’s not a joke.

Now, I’ve started rambling a little with sharing all this, but I do have a sincere point.

When I was starting out, I was very detached from my own body and taking care of it after years of neglect. Being traumatized does that to you. Being trans does that to you. Here I was, healing and growing and already well on my journey (with a few months on HRT at this point), but still having dysphoria and grief ruin my life.

We began tackling some of that, inspired by my toddler who was coming to workouts on some occasions, by going back and pretending to be a toddler. 4 specifically, but I’m not sure it matters as much (unless you want to be very accurate and match it with child neurological development timelines).

Putting away all the white colonial societal programming, my own experiences and knowledge, stopping my ego and fears of being cringe or something else….

Just be a kid.

If you were trans, you didn’t get to. Be a kid now. Act like one. Explore like one. Go in with no judgement like one.

You have to re-do your childhood. Speedrun it, obviously, but you have to let yourself do a lot of that stupid shit again, this time as the right gender. Question everything you’ve ever known or programmed yourself with, and go be a silly kid and laugh and have fun.

That’s how everyone does it, at 4. They just all got the perk of being cisgender and monkey see, monkey do worked for them.

Anyways I should be sleeping and should plan ahead more when I write, instead of impulsively starting a post past midnight when the kids are asleep and my high is wearing off and now I kinda want a snack…

I'm 30 years old (soon to be 31). I'm a new trans woman (still working through how I might accept it and see myself). I'm unsure how far I should go. I've spoken at some length on other communities about what it feels like to be "ugly and masc". I realize feeling like I can't "pass" as a fem is partly due to deeply rooted transphobia. I have what most older men have: masculine distribution of fat (bit of a belly), hairy everywhere, fears of balding (so far not yet), deepish voice, etc.

If I had no friends or family, I'd probably just go all in: hormone therapies, voice training, surgeries, etc. But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I'm sure I wouldn't be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn't get it.

I don't know how far I should go with transitioning. I am currently considering growing out my hair, shaving, and trying to do exercises that conform my body to a more stereotypical feminine shape. Is there a lot of risk in hormone therapies and voice training? Is it hard to go "boy mode" after the fact? What about being 30+ years old and starting it? Should I just accept I'll never pass?

I was wondering if anyone has advice or pointers for meeting up with transgender folx and allies in "meatspace". I see postings for events all the time, but they're either for youth (which is great, we need to protect trans kids and promote their growth and well being!), or they're mixers. I'm happily married, can't drink alcohol, and was never a "club" type of person. There doesn't seem to be much else other than support groups, and the one meeting I ever attended showed that I was certainly not the intended audience. In my hobbies, you don't meet people even though you're in a sea of them (running and cycling) and my job is fully remote and niche, so that's not really a mingle opportunity either. I feel like I'm overwhelming my spouse with conversation as soon as they get home from work. They've taken to calling it "pumpking spice" every time I do, in reference to the Last Week Tonight bit about pumpkin spice season taking over everything. I guess I'm just looking to find others to relate to and make some acquaintances, or even friends, of people who would actually understand me. In our age range, this feels like it's a very difficult thing to do.

Eddie Izzard talks about growing up trans and coming out in the 80s at the 2022 Utah Equality Allies Gala.

I know you're out there! If you're part of /c/TransLater, make yourself heard!

Maybe some questions will help.

Tell us your name and where are you from? Maybe a bit about yourself

What do you enjoy spending your time on?

How have things been going as you navigate the combination of "Trans" and "Later" in your life?

What's a question you have for other folk in the sub?

New sub, not many active users yet, so time to get the ball rolling.

I'm Ada, mod for this group and admin for blahaj.zone and lemmy.blahaj.zone. For those of you that use Discord, I used to run the Translater discord server too, but I'm not active there anymore.

I'm rapidly closing in on 50 years of age, though I'm not quite there yet. I transitioned in 2017 when I was 41. I've got a non binary kiddo who has just officially reached adulthood themselves, which makes me feel really old.

My partner is @supakaity@lemmy.blahaj.zone/@supakaity@blahaj.zone, who, believe it or not, I met via reddit (may it rest in peace)

Photo description: A selfie of Ada, a white woman in her 40s. She is wearing makeup, and has styled dark curly hair and is wearing a sparkly blue/green dress. The background is greenery from a garden

Photo description: A selfie of Ada and Kaity, two white women in their 40s, sitting on a couch. They are both looking in to the camera, but their heads are leaning to touch each other, and both are smiling. Kaity is wearing a sparkly purple dress, and Ada is wearing a matching dress in blue/green