In this guide I will offer a step-by-step explanation to running a successful business. I am the owner of a startup company at Y combinator in SF Bay Area. I am a thought leader, podcaster, financial coach, fertility coach, "coach guru" coach, professional wrestler (also an aspiring author with 37 books published in the last two years).
-
Be Like Me
This is obviously good advice in general, but if you want to run a succesful business, it is necessary. In order to have a good business, you need to assume the position of someone that is already very succesful, like myself. You must work on yourself to be more like me, that includes your attitude, your attire, your personality, your body shape, and your race. You should also have my name and identity documents if that's possible.
-
Borrow Money
You should make a document that is a random assortment of keywords that are trending on both LinkedIn and X. Doing this, venture capitalist inventors should impulsively throw money at you. If that doesn't happen, ask a rich friend to give you money. If you don't have a rich friend, the best way to get one is to be rich yourself. You can find a tutorial on how to do that at the beginning of this document. That's why following this guide is a prerequisite for following this guide.
-
Pivot To a More Aggressive Funding Model
Now that you have succesfully ~~stolen~~ entrepreneurialized large sums of money, you need to shift your debts to ~~victims~~ clients that are less likely to be listened to by the ~~authorities~~ market forces. You should convince your customers to invest in your company, and if not possible you should raise your subscription prices until you start to lose subscribers and then increase them some more. You will notice that I have not offered any advice on how to manage your company, and that is because the success of your business does not depend on what it does and even on whether it operates at all. To finish your plan, you should emigrate to Saudi Arabia, but if you are in real danger you should then pass through Iran, and finally arrive in Russia. If you are in the US you can probably stay where you are.
someone who clearly didn’t read any of this already reported it as spam
Hah, I was expecting someone to think that. I wrote the thing so that at a glance the shape of text looks like it's spicy autocomplete. The text itself doesn't read like that though.
that’s the thing! even on a phone it doesn’t take much reading to realize it’s parody — I’m thinking our visitor didn’t read past the title, as per tradition