this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2023
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The Onion

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[–] mustardman@discuss.tchncs.de 51 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

That's exactly what the Weeping Angels (or SCP-173) would want!

[–] CA0311@hexbear.net 5 points 2 years ago

i was gonna say, someone should make an EAS scenario video with mitch as patient zero

[–] DontTreadOnBigfoot@lemmy.world 29 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Looking more and more like the thing from Pan's Labyrinth every day...

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 18 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (2 children)

I'm a marine biologist. It's obvious he's moulting.
Its his radical final moult, metamorphosing from an aquatic nymph to a winged adult

[–] DharmaCurious@startrek.website 9 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Is that why he must consume the souls of all the children? For energy for the metamorphosis?

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 4 points 2 years ago (1 children)

No, that's silly.
He consumes souls to power the deep machines in the darkness.

[–] DharmaCurious@startrek.website 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Ah, I see. And who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 2 points 2 years ago

I'm just a humble marine biologist.
The sea was angry that day, my friends!

[–] FarceMultiplier@lemmy.ca 5 points 2 years ago

He has not yet attained his final formlessness.

[–] killeronthecorner@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago

I always thought he looked like a half filled balloon

[–] 2scoops@lemmy.world 26 points 2 years ago (2 children)

I like to imagine that during these freezes, he’s actually having out of body experiences wherein he visits Hell, and sees the fiery fate and torments that awaits him when finally slips this mortal coil.

[–] Cabrio@lemmy.world 7 points 2 years ago

It's just his handler touching base.

[–] Compactor9679@lemm.ee 0 points 2 years ago

Comunicating with Biden :)

[–] aport@programming.dev 24 points 2 years ago (1 children)

His entire team of staffers should be convicted on elder abuse.

[–] BurgerPunk@hexbear.net 2 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Plus most of the other stafers on the Hill and White House should be convicted on elder abuse too.

The rest should probably be convicted on other charges

[–] ElBarto@sh.itjust.works 15 points 2 years ago (1 children)

For a second I thought The Onion had become an actual news site.

[–] Catradora_Stalinism@hexbear.net 5 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I feel like it is in its own way

[–] ElBarto@sh.itjust.works 2 points 2 years ago

It might as well be, reality is doing a better job at it lately.

[–] BlinkerFluid@lemmy.one 15 points 2 years ago

"does anyone else hear a dial tone?".

the photo just does that

[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 12 points 2 years ago

This article is written like an episode of Nightvale.

[–] HotsauceHurricane@lemmy.one 11 points 2 years ago

This is a top tier onion article. Up there with the hyperbolic chamber !

[–] marco@beehaw.org 5 points 2 years ago

He's like an old, cold Medusa.

[–] DrPop@lemmy.one 3 points 2 years ago