My dad contacted me out of nowhere (startrek.website)

submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by TotallyNotSpezUpload@startrek.website to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee

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I'm a bit lost here, to be fair. I went full no contact with my family back when I was 16. Took a hike, even across countries. So, apparently what happened, was my ex brother in law not keeping his mouth shut and sharing my number with my family. I still can't make heads or tails of it. But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly. I'm not super mad at him, more at the rest of my family, but it seriously hurts right now. What am I supposed to do? I'm at a loss here. Haven't really talked to the person for over 21 years.

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[-] state_electrician@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 2 weeks ago

Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they're not really angry with their father. I think it's fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn't respect that, then I'd say you have a valid point.

[-] stinky@redlemmy.com 1 points 2 weeks ago

Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it's fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?

[-] state_electrician@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 2 weeks ago

Maybe I am too old to put too much value in the lasting decisions of a teenager. You change so damn much over the years and what felt like the worst back then isn't that bad when you look back after 20 years. But my main point is that OP explicitly said they weren't angry with their father, so I don't see it as a bad act when he tries to contact OP again.

[-] stinky@redlemmy.com 2 points 2 weeks ago

Have you ever been abused by a parent?

[-] state_electrician@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 2 weeks ago

As a matter of fact, I did go no contact with my parents after I moved out at 19 and minimal contact as I got older. Nowadays, with both of them dead, I see their behavior more nuanced. I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave your own upbringing behind and they both came from families traumatized by war. That's my personal story, of course, and doesn't mean other people should see it the same way. But it's the reason why I think, after 20 years it's no problem to re-evaluate decisions you made as a teenager. If you still feel the same way you did back then, that's fine. But there's no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.