Hi dad, unfortunately my biological dad doesn't offer me his support, so I write here.
I am 26 years old and I am living with my parents but I really wish I had the energies to move out. My parents are physically abusive towards one another, my mother suffers from schizophrenia and thinks everyone hates her, uses me as a punchbag for her emotions and criticizes all of my choices. My father cheats on her and is emotionally unavailable for me. If I were a normal person I'd just head out of here, but unfortunately "normal" I am not as I myself suffer from diagnosed general (and quite strong) anxiety and I think some depression as well and everything seems so difficult for me.
I also feel really ashamed for having failed college, sometimes I even feel 'stupid' because of it. Now I’m working as an unskilled employee, and it makes me afraid to move out because I constantly worry: will I be able to find another job?
On top of that, I feel a lot of pressure at work. I’m the only one who can maintain and develop the company’s software. While we have other team members, like an AI prompt engineer, a backup engineer, several people in sales, and a graphic designer, I’m the only actual developer. My colleagues have told me that if I left it would be very difficult for them to keep things running, and some even said they'd have to quit too. That kind of responsibility weighs heavily on me.
I'd also love to go back at college but time is running up before I lose the credits I acquired. But I don't know how I could study while also maintaining myself with a full time job.
Sorry dad for pouring all that on you. I really don't know what to do and I feel really lost. A hug would be more than enough.
I’m writing up a response but wanted to make sure you know you’ve been heard and your challenge is valid (and super tough!). I’ll edit with the full reply soon.
Edited to add:
It is so difficult to do even small things with unsupportive parents. I’m proud you’ve found a creative alternative way to get support.
Living with anyone is a lot of work, but your situation sounds nearly impossible.
If you’re willing to share with people in real life, surprisingly often people like those who share or complain about life’s challenges (as long as they can tell they’re not being asked to fix it). Having an in-person support network sounds beneficial at this point.
Anxiety is also a huge challenge. There are lots of resources online for strategies for managing it, but it’ll still be a lot of work.
You didn’t fail college. You just haven’t completed it yet. College is another thing in your life that requires a support network. You’ve been failed by those around you.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”
— Jean-Luc Picard
But college is also not for everyone, so if you feel that it’s not for you, you’ve managed to unearth a major discovery. Now you can spend time elsewhere.
Working and finding work are both demoralizing. It’s amazing you’ve got a job right now. That’s a sign you can get another one or a better one in the future.
You’ve got a goal in mind. It’s the end-point on your map: move out.
Now work backwards to create a list of things that each step requires until you get all the way back to the present. Then get a good nights sleep, and a high-protein breakfast and do the first one thing on that journey. You can’t do all the steps at once, but you can do the next step.
Some steps need to be taking a break, btw.
I’m a hugger, so I’ll have one waiting for you if we ever cross paths in person.