Cross-posted from "It does indeed" by @LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone in !autism@lemmy.world
this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2025
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Ooooof
Unsettling feeling. Both relief and exasperation. Still wondering how many people knew behind my back for decades and said nothing.
I feel you. I was apparently diagnosed very young, and everyone (including my younger sibling) knew except me. I didn't find out until my mom casually said something about it when I was over for dinner at 24. That was a bit upsetting.
Man, that's fucked up. I'm sorry you found out like that.
When I got a diagnosis in my twenties, for some time I was convinced that my mother had to know but for some reason never told me. Like, when I recall my childhood, how could you even not notice?! I guess you could if you never heard about autism but I know for a fact that she has at least some idea about it. And teachers, etc...
I don't really believe in this conspiracy anymore. Although I will probably never know for sure because I do not intend to tell her about the diagnosis.
My kid was diagnosed as autistic at 15 because their therapist suggested getting them evaluated. They asked me recently why we didn't get them evaluated sooner.
After reading up about autism and talking to the therapist and reading the evaluation writeup, I realized that my husband, our other kid, my dad, and I are all definitely autistic, as is my step-father-in-law. A lot of our friends are diagnosed with some variety of neurodivergence (autism, ADHD, severe OCD), and probably some of the undiagnosed ones are also neurodivergent.
I told this to my kid and ended with, "So you seemed normal to us."
Obviously I don't have any insight in your case, but my guess is that a lot of parents don't consider that their kid might be autistic because they don't realize that there's anything unusual.
@kryptonite @QuizzaciousOtter I wasn't diagnosed until my early 40s... and I only thought to be evaluated because of my son, who was diagnosed at age 2. I recognized behavior patterns in him that I'd exhibited myself all my life. Getting the "yes" made so many things make sense. Finally, I was able to accept and love myself for who I am.
@kryptonite @QuizzaciousOtter I sometimes wonder if autism is more disabling if there are too many NTs in your immediate family. It seems people assuming you are exaggerating, or otherwise making you doubt yourself/attempt to mask your sensory overload, actually precipitates a pattern of meltdowns well into adulthood. If your parents understand what is going on you are more likely to know your limits or have a system for dealing with it before reaching a crisis.
@kryptonite @QuizzaciousOtter so many of the diagnosis questions for parents are assuming that parents actually know things like “normal eye contact”. Assuming a subjective baseline that might not exist given the hereditary nature of Autism. A lot of the stuff with my kids seemed normal to me, but then my dad always told my mum that he thought I was normal when she expressed doubts. I never bothered with diagnosis myself (no issues I don’t have a system for), but looking back it is obvious.
Hey, that's a very interesting perspective, thanks for sharing!
After my diagnosis I actually noticed a lot traits similar to mine in my dad. Now I'm almost 100% sure he's on the spectrum as well. The funny thing is, he has absolutely no idea about autism and I'm completely sure he would never believe that either of us has it.
My mom on the other hand... I never considered it but I will have to think about this now. Autism or not, it is possible that she struggled with some similar things as me and thus didn't see it as unusual.
I hear you, that does suck. Sounds like you're handling it well, dwelling on it won't change how it played out.