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A community for lesbians, people whose loved ones are lesbians, people who want information about lesbians, queer people, and allies! Trans lesbians are lesbians and are welcome.

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how do i take things slow with my gf? (thelemmy.club)

submitted 5 days ago by nonBInary@thelemmy.club to c/lesbians@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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so, we are holding hands but she doesn’t wanna kiss or anything because she wants to wait a while so we take it slow because i started dating her a week ago. however, i am very attached and expressive with my love and she is… less?? how can we make things work and how do i make it so i change and take things slower??

Right now, i’m too bummed out and depressed to want to be romantic or attached, so that’s “good” i guess

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[–] Hacksaw@lemmy.ca 5 points 4 days ago

The key is in give and take. You do something that's a bit more intimate than the last thing you did. Then you wait for her to match it or increase intimacy. If she never does then you go back to the last thing she did match.

She has to KNOW that things don't escalate without her participation.

The alternative is that you're the only one escalating and she's the "gatekeeper of intimacy" which is a dynamic where no one wins.

If you try this and it's clear her interest in intimacy is vastly different than yours over the long term, then you should assess whether this relationship fulfills other needs such that the lack of intimacy and sexual fulfillment is acceptable to you or if there are other ways of meeting that need that's acceptable to both of you.