So I can relate to this, I have been diagnosed with ADHD/autism and I am married to someone who has OCD/autism. So our relationship takes a lot of communication and working around each other's preferences to remain healthy and functional.

I think one thing that can be exhausting to most people who are in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent is that it can feel like they have to work harder to accommodate our deficiencies more than we do ourselves.

This can be true in some sense, but it doesn't account for the daily tribulations of navigating a society not made for the way we think. Now one thing I have to remind myself is that while there is nothing inherently wrong with being neurodivergent, the reality is that it's our responsibility to try and operate in society the best we can.

I've asked for lists rather than her telling me tasks while I am busy, and then gets upset if I forget.

I think the problem here is that you are making it her responsibility to write you a list of things they want you to do. I too am very bad at remembering things when I'm working on something or busy.

My solution is that I pretty much always have a notepad/pen on me so I can take a quick note and make sure I haven't dropped the ball on something throughout the day. I don't think it should be the onus of your partner to do this, just like I know that Im not going to get my work place to write up a daily things for me to accomplish.

At the end of the day we can't expect the world to learn coping skills to deal with us, we have to learn coping skills to deal with them. And i can basically guarantee your partner isn't the only person who has the same issue.