So I have accepted for some time now that I am a trans woman. I wear feminine clothes in public from time to time and it’s at the point that I don’t in the moment care if somebody stares at me. I have been voice training also for about a month and it feels great to be a woman among accepting people. I have also tried (DIY) estrogen and I love its emotional changes. The first day felt absolutely divine and I do not want to stop, however I am scared. I am lazy and I am not sure if I can do it every single day. These thoughts have been hunting me every day for the past week for multiple hours a day. Yesterday I was completely paralyzed by my own thoughts and I couldn’t do anything for 12 hours (-> I have probably failed my exam today), because the choice of facing the world or giving up estrogen is too hard. It got to a point that even suicide came to mind, just so I don’t have to choose. My gender dysphoria boy modding exists but it’s not strong. I am going to visit an uni psychologist soon because of this.
My question is: How did you figure out that this is the battle you want to fight?
Image from: https://br.pinterest.com/pin/39758409204847070/
It’s not a battle I would choose to fight, but I don’t have any other choice. I know who I am, and I’m going to live as who I am, and I’m not going to let anyone stop me. I grew up in a very repressive environment, where I was taught to accept that I had to be who others (especially authority figures) expected me to be. And through a lot of therapy, I discovered that that was the root of a lot of my personal torment. It isn’t always easy, day to day, but I’m going to keep pushing every day to love and celebrate the person that I am, because I can’t stand to live any other way.