We held your baby for $38.99/0.8 seconds, but of course we'll have to keep in mind the $49.75 administrative processing fee, the $78.50 baby-holding math-calculation fee, $400 ($430.25) cleaning fee for the physical exertion of holding the baby (+$16/oz of baby, swaddling clothes included), $1600 (8 (9) easy payments of $399 ($428.80)) physical therapy for all the baby holders involved (technically one nurse but technically over 3 nurses and 2 doctors made eye contact with the baby and emotional labor is equivalent--sorry, that's just industry standards, damn unions am I right?), $99 ($152.80 (3 easy payments of $89.99 + 0% (22%) APR)) "fuck you in the mouth because we can" fee, did you want your receipt printed or emailed? Well, we took the liberty of printing it already, now hospital paper has to be absolutely Level 36 Jumbo Mumbionically sanitized to prevent Epic Baby Death Syndrome, and let me tell you, valued customer, it ain't cheap,