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My shell cracked this past weekend (lemm.ee)
submitted 11 months ago by oNevion@lemm.ee to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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Getting hit with a lot of emotions. Some scary and some exciting.

My wife is being really supportive and we've been talking through all of this the past couple days nonstop.

Part of me is ready to shave everything and start HRT and feel pretty, but I'm also fucking terrified about how my world will react. It's also only been a few days but I feel like a whole new world has been opened up to me?

I don't know. I want to everyone and nobody so I thought I'd scream into the void here. Hope that is ok.

I'm so fucking empowered by all of you

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[-] oNevion@lemm.ee 2 points 11 months ago

Good question. Been in therapy for the upteenth time for depression and anxiety. Also recently had a son and immediately went into a mental breakdown. Addiction and trust issues (my fault) in my marriage also was weighing on me heavily. Worked through a lot of childhood trauma that was unrelated (as far as I can remember) and felt like there was still something at my core that I still hated about myself?

Never felt like I could actually love myself or even care about myself. Even when my wife was begging for me to talk to her about how I was feeling. I felt like I was expressing my feelings to her,but they never matched up to reality. She knew there was more to it before I did. I just thought life was about being miserable.

Got to a point where I accepted the fact that I was going to die young and the best version of me was to give my all to my family while I could. I burned myself to the ground trying to be an "ideal man" for my family and just thought I wasn't good enough to be alive.

I've never felt like I could be genuinely happy with myself.

Now I realize it's because I'm not supposed to be a man. I just wish I realized that as a teenager when i was experimenting and not a decade later with serious self destructive qualities.

So all of that boiled to a head as I was scrolling through egg_irl and laughing at the memes and then realized "fuck, this is me isn't it?"

Then I googled the big looming question.

How do I know if I'm trans?

this post was submitted on 09 Oct 2023
115 points (100.0% liked)

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