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My inner monologue
(startrek.website)
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this post was submitted on 28 Nov 2023
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free time to actually do stuff without feeling guilty? the dream.
what do you do now? is it bearable?
damn. that's nice. wish I could do that ๐คฃ focus on my hobbies, actually rest, be able to read and enjoy a book.
i have daydreamt about that my entire life ๐
unfortunately I have to find something that pays the bills AND that is bearable. that's the hard part.
I can't find time and honestly I don't think I enjoy most things anymore. my rest time is spent thinking about how I should be doing something to change my situation. instead do nothing/watch TV series and then feel bad about it ๐
you mentioned piano. I had a lot of fun with it for a few months until I started to feel "wanted time".
a few years ago I bought one, learned the basics and started to feel that feeling of wasting time. at first, I actually had fun with it. it was so interesting learning/practicing. I just couldn't justify time spent anymore. it's stored away now.
can't even play video games anymore which I loved because.. can't enjoy them with this constant feeling of having to do something productive that actually helps/improve my life. tired of this feeling. I've been feeling it for the last 20 years. it's gotten bad lately.
my life desperately needs to improve financially. that's my hard reality.
if I don't find a job that is bearable I don't think I'll reach being much older. ive even been looking into one way tickets as a "one last thing" ๐
I'd trade with a dying kid. its okay, I'm just exhausted of the requirements for a "decent/basic" life. ive thought about changing what I consider "decent/basic"... but... energy.
about the one way trip.. it was a dark day. but it's always there in the background as a possible "solution/option"
I usually fantasize about having a terminal disease. or an accident. something out of my control that releases me from any "responsability" about not being strong enough to do what it takes to "succeed"/survive. like having a 9-5 job. I've had one for 3 years. worst time of my life. honestly I don't know how I survived.. the occasional beer with a friend that felt the same way and hope probably
I'm on meds (psychiatrist, and Concerta helped with basic things like doing bed and dishes) and recently tried psychologist as well. I quit after 5 sessions because I just felt we were going in circles. I already had thought about the options/solutions the psychologist gave me so... nothing new. and 50 euros (cheap comparing to competition) per hour is kinda expensive for my budget. "find your passion" yeah. I've been trying my whole life. I just get bored at some point, force to keep it going until I can't anymore and quit.
anyway, thanks for the kind words. hopefully I didn't trigger anyone with my hopelessness