[CW: Repression, Internalized Transphobia] I need help dealing with Repression and Internalized Transphobia (pawb.social)

submitted 1 year ago by FlowerTree@pawb.social to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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Hi, I'm Jasmine.

This post is a bit of a vent, but I also genuinely need help and comfort. I hope this is appropriate to talk about here and that I don't ruin the vibe of this community too much.

I'm tired with myself repressing my gender. I'm tired with me telling myself maybe I can live happily as a boy, maybe I can convince myself, or maybe this is all fake somehow. I feel like I'm not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn't transition because it's against my cultures. And my internalized transphobia sometimes made me think like a bigot when given the chance.

I've done my best to avoid lashing my internalized transphobia to anyone, even online, and I'll continue to do my best. I'll continue to do my best to support trans people, but ironically it's hard for me to support myself.

I know this all sounds so negative, but it's been eating away at my mental health. I need help.

I just wanted someone to reassure me that it's okay for me to transition and that there is nothing wrong with being transgender. I would also greatly appreciate sites and resources for trans people to reassure me that it's okay to be trans.

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[-] JessMarie@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

Hey there Jasmine - this part resonated with me almost word-for-word:

I feel like I’m not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn’t transition because it’s against my cultures.

Literally this is what i read (from this article) that kicked my transition into gear:

As a child, I knew with unwavering conviction that I was a boy. I had boy parts, I did boy things, and everyone treated me like a boy. There was never any doubt or distress about my gender. I may not have fit in well with the other boys, but there were lots of other reasons for that. I still knew I was one of them.

and then a little later

In the years before realizing I was trans, my therapist and I would often debate the meaning of gender identity. I insisted I didn’t have one. She strongly suspected otherwise. Sure, I’d researched the effects of feminizing hormone therapy and loved everything about it, but that didn’t mean I was a woman. Yes, I’d been using a female persona online ever since the days of dial-up chat rooms, but again, that didn’t mean I was one. It was just a fantasy. Cross-dressing was just a fantasy. Wanting to be a woman does not make you a woman, I insisted. Trans women believe they are women; I believed I was a man. Therefore, I could not be trans.

In retrospect, refusing to begin a gender transition because I didn’t already feel like a woman was like refusing to take flying lessons because I didn’t already feel like a pilot.

I could not find a better way to express to anyone else why I never started this sooner.

it’s been eating away at my mental health. I need help.

Please get help. I don't know where you are, what country you're in, what your family/support situation is, but I assure you there is absolutely help for you out there. Feel free to DM me :-)

this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2023

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