What? Because orthodox is the one true version of Christianity.

Yes exactly. It is the one true church of apostolic origin and is over 2000 years old. It is the supreme authority on the interpretation of text. When you read about the Pentecost Christ ascends into heaven and leaves the apostles in charge of his body (e.g. the church). The patriarchs of the Orthodox church can trace their episcopate origins back to those very same apostles. You can look it up.

Of course it is poor exegesis, I started with “If we take it literally”.

You don't have the historical, theological, philosophical, anthropological or linguistic expertise to begin to properly exegete the text. You and many others are simply taking a modern perspective and forcing it onto a document that was a contemporary of Nero. Since the days of Christ Church Fathers have spent their lives reading, translating and exegeting texts. Misinterpretation isn't just a problem with those outside the faith but also heterodox Protestants and to a lesser extent Catholics. Mormons think they have the right interpretation for example. People don't realize that there is and always has been a final authority on the scriptures and it's the Orthodox church and it's traditions. You can read the canons from early synods and ecumenical councils if you want to see what I mean.