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this post was submitted on 02 May 2024
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I think we should get a blind match dating app, where we emphasize on the content and not on the visuals. You just add some information about what kind of a person you are, what you are looking for, etc. and after you match and exchange some messages, you can open the pictures.
But dating apps are turning into those cheap e-commerce sites where everyone judges the items by the packaging and no one actually cares about the content. And mind you in a lot of cases the pictures of the packaging are highly exaggerated or from a couple of years, from better times. And you know, no matter how shiny this package is, there would be a day you will need to throw it in the trash and you will need to decide whether to throw the product along or only the package.
Excuse my metaphors.
I can't imagine something more awkward than having to explicitly deny someone based on looks after having a good conversation.
What, never been catfished before? Had plenty of women do this to me on apps. All their pictures show one person, then they show up as a person and a half. After the date I just tell them "thanks but no thanks, you catfished me."
I think the standard procedure is to finish the date, and then never text them back
No I've never been catfished before. My "type" is queer/weird though, I would never blindly swipe right on the stereotypically attractive straight woman.
How has this happened multiple times?? Are you actually being catfished or are you just talking about people who look fatter than you'd like in person?
I don't know what you're trying to imply, that I "blindly" swipe on stereotypically attractive straight women (how would one blindly do that, I wonder), or that I am judgemental? It has happened to me 3 different times. Women using pictures of them before serious weight gain. all 3 cases it was over 100lbs difference between pictures and reality.
Also my type is queer/weird, as I am queer and weird.
WOW I did not expect this kind of response lol, I'm just saying that if I see a stereotypically attractive woman, I would read her profile to see if she's my type because just by appearance she likely wouldn't be.
So it is about weight gain and not actually straight up catfishing. I feel like there is a difference. I feel like if that happened to me I wouldn't just leave right away, I've made many friendships from dates. If you're so concerned about weight gain that you'd walk away you should consider straight up asking if the photos are recent.
But just based on this response it seems like you're kind of an aggro/rude person in general lol.
Now kiss.
From everything you've assumed about me, to trying to differentiate how you would act, just screams pick me.
You're on the defensive for no reason but ok
because of your baseless accusations lmao sound like someone straight out of female dating strategy
You keep saying I'm making accusations, you need therapy.
lol sorry about your weight
The fact that you have taken everything as an accusation, and then start to call me fat(?) when you feel attacked .... I feel like this is why you have dating troubles I would seriously consider therapy
wow now you;re suddenly on the defensive? why I wonder? you need therapy.
What am I defending myself about here? Are you just parroting what I'm saying because you think I'm insulting you?
? are you saying I'm fat because, um, I'm like chronically underweight and have been my whole life. not much I can or want to do about it, I have a fast metabolism and spend a lot of calories in my active daily life
I usually eat holistically, with nutrition coming from whole grain meals, I guess you just blindly go for carb-centric meals ๐ I also always tip at restaurants, not sure why others wouldn't...
I do eat bowls full of pasta
I have an inkling that would result in people speedrunning all the stuff up until they can see what someone looks like...
Looks do matter, and everyone has different preferences.
The problem isn't that people are judging people based on only their looks, it's that these companies have tuned their matching algorithms to match people who enjoy each others appearance, and specifically don't like each other as people.
In reality, for a satisfying relationship you need both. It's really hard to be more than friends with someone that physically repulses you, and it's really hard to be more than friends with benefits with someone you don't like as a person.
By specifically tuning their system to only give you one, and never the other, they keep people in the grind. You might be pretty happy using these apps for hookups, but even there the algorithm will actively be working against you stumbling onto someone you might wanna meet more than once, because they want you back to swiping for the next person asap.
The fact remains that the matchmaking industry is doomed to be toxic in a capitalist system, because actually being good at it, also means getting rid of your customers.
I've met several partners off the internet through means where images were not involved, but it was clearly geared towards dating still (mainly reddit, if you would believe it). Some like to get the images out of the way early, others talk for weeks before that becomes an issue. There's still some that then drop out (I'm not the most attractive lad to ever be a lad, plus preferences exist, as you say) but others worked out great.
My strengths don't lie in my style or looks, so dating apps are basically useless to me, yet I have no trouble in attracting partners in circumstances where my personality is a bit more in focus.
I think there's a space for apps like those for sure. Since there's plenty where you can go purely or predominantly by looks, no one has to go for an app where that is the case.
My two best and longest (multi-year) relationships were on the Internet in places where I didn't know anything about looks of my partners.
With one of them, I said I love her before I first saw her. And I'm not the kind of person to take such words lightly.
But yes, you have a point about retaining audience here.
You absolutely can love someone because of who they are alone. And if you genuinely, truly, can "get it up for anyone", then great. Or maybe you don't have a need for that stuff in your relationships in the first place.
But as someone who is borderline haphephobic (the fear of touch), yet also absolutely have a psychological and physiological need for physical intimacy, loving someone as a person is not enough to automatically mean I'm also going to feel something physical.
It doesn't matter how strongly I feel about who they are. If I don't want to touch their body, no amount of wishing I wanted to, changes that.
And personally, I do need to want that.
That's perfectly valid!
It's just that there should be a higher degree of variety on the online dating scene.
Some people absolutely do care for looks, and can't - and shouldn't - help it.
But for those who care less - alternative avenues should be provided.
Also, to clarify - I don't "get it up for anyone", it's just that sexuality has more to it than looks, and for me the looks isn't the first thing I think of when I hear "sexy".
No one is being provided any avenues. These services do not work any better if you swipe based on looks.
My point is that none of it matters. The real problem is bigger.
Everyone has their preferences, and any current system that actually respects that and helps people find each other, will inevitably shift to blue-balling its users with people that are never quite what each person is looking for, because actually doing it right means you lose "customers".
Because of that, different "avenues" for different people to find what they are looking for, don't exist. For anyone.
No matter what you specifically need, matchmaking companies are incentivised to identify exactly what you are looking for, and then give you anything but that.
If things actually worked, it wouldn't matter that the service has pictures. If you don't care about that part, just swipe accordingly. As long as the people queued up for you are genuinely random (they aren't) you will find someone you like, and someone who likes you will find you.
Except that these systems explicitly do the opposite. You will be shown every person the system can find who is your type, as long as you aren't their type.
Meanwhile your profile will be shown to everyone who'd like you, as long as they aren't the kind you like.
This way, everyone gets the illusion that there's plenty of fish in the sea. While in reality everyone gets their own algorithmic fence between them and anyone with whom the interest might be mutual.
True as well.
Which is why I tend to find people on social media rather than dating apps, and I think Lemmy can be a great place for that - unbiased, full of various people, and everyone is active outside of dating sphere, allowing you to get to know them better before you even go in.
You should take a look at blindmate. It does exactly what you imagined. You just upload some Fotos, Friends of yours answer some questions about you and swipe for you. If you have a match you write a little bit and after every other message you unlock a bit more on the others profile. I don't know if it's currently available outside of Germany.
And it's only the morning after that you're allowed to turn the lights on.