I have been with wife almost thirty years. I wish it had occurred to me to ask this so many times before saying something. So many times.
I agree. Having a natural tendency to want to solve a problem makes us want to fix it immediately but sometimes it's not the answer, when they just want to vent or someone to listen.
Until their shawarma falls apart every day and they never get past the feelings stage....
Time for them to head out to pasture
There's only so many times I'm willing to listen and not want to fix it. After about the 10th or or 50th or 100th time I've heard the same problem and I'm always willing to listen, but if you're not willing to take one inch towards fixing it or solving it or dealing with it or moving past it, then I'm going to try the fucking fix it for you.
I ask my wife and kids if they need someone to help problem solve or just listen. It's been a game changer.
“Is this the feeling stage” to me feels like, “are you ready to here solutions or are you going to keep complaining?”.
The idea is sound but the wording needs work.
There's no ordering to the ways it's worded. It doesn't say "ready for solutions yet?" Or "are you still having feelings".
The general rule is that it's ALWAYS the feelings stage unless you're specifically asked for help.
See, I get that this is a thing, but I don't understand why you just want someone to listen. What does sitting here, looking you in the eye and opening my ears, specifically do to make you feel better about the problem you're having?
Because humans are social creatures, and we like to know that other people understand our pain.
For example, I might complain that I got a bad review as an actor. What I need is for people to say "Fuck that critic!" and "That really sucks man." not "Have you tried taking classes to get better?" Sure, that's objectively the correct advice but it isn't what even the most logical human wants to hear when they're upset.
Okay this makes sense. I didn't realize that people feel tend to feel better when their pain is understood. Maybe I should give it a try sometime. Thanks for opening up my brain!
Do men do that? I have the feeling it's exclusively women who do this, but the reasoning behind it could be as valid for women as for men. We're all human after all.
You've never heard a man complain about something?
Yes but generally, it's to find solution, not just to have someone listen and do nothing else. It's just a bonus I would say if the person listens as well.
I'm a man. Sometimes I just want people to listen. So I guess based on that alone, it can't be exclusively women
Sometimes, you get so pissed off at something that you really need to vent out your frustration with it to feel better.
Especially if it's something you can't do anything about.
Alright so I'm getting that letting the steam out unburdens you with the emotions you feel from the problem. Another reply said people feel understood when their pain is known, would you say it's the same feeling here or does it branch off a little bit?
Sorry I don't really talk or vent a lot in real life so it's something I'm still trying to understand
I think I can help with this. I'm going to start by saying the obvious. Everyone has some kinds of issues that are difficult for us to fix, or get rid of, and that can last a very long time, if not for all our lives. I'm talking more about personality traits or behavioral problems that are very stuck with us from our childhood.
That's why we say no one is perfect, right?
Well, it happens that these issues often generate the same kind of problems throughout our life, and all we can do is get a bit better every time these arise. We know this, and we know that some problems are generated by the same long-lasting issues we've always had, and that, in itself, is very frustrating.
When one gets involved in this kind of problem one more time, and you know it was generated by these long-lasting, difficult-to-get-rid-of issues, that's when we need someone to tell them: 'Sister, this thing is once again affecting my life. I know what the problem is, and I'm getting better every time this happens, but it's just so frustrating. I hope you understand I'm trying really hard and acknowledge my struggle. I'm human and I'm not perfect. You aren't perfect either, right? Just give me a moment to be human with you, and I will be there for you when you need to be human too.
Of all the answers I've gotten I think yours was the one that made it the most clear to me with its specificity. Thanks for helping me understand *a lot *more than I expected
You're welcome, it actually made me very happy to write it down.
Speaking about something often automagically solves the problem, actually. Probably due to self-reflection. For this to work, however, you need to speak it out completely at least once.
One aspect can be validation. They want another person to affirm that their strong emotions in response to whatever unfortunate event occured are not an overreaction. I think women particularly are criticized for "being too emotional" and can become very self conscious of any emotional response that can be perceived as disproportionate to the event that caused it. So when they tell you about what happened they're looking for how you respond.
It might be tempting to think, "I'll help them realize how little of a deal this is by showing them how easy the solution is." But that completely invalidates their emotions. They just need someone outside of the situation to objectively say, "yea what happened to you, that sucks. Most people in your situation would feel the way you feel. You're not weird or irrational for feeling this way."
Lots of good answers so far. From my experience, most people know what the fuck to do or at least they know they have a few options, so they don't need me to tell them how to solve their problem.
To specifically answer your question... sitting there listening allows you to figure out if the person needs to vent, talk out their options, validation about their reaction, validation for their own solution, social connection, to know they have a support system in you, encouragement, and sometimes, yes, advice or a solution. So to assume it's only a solution they want leaves out a whole host of other possible reasons they might come to you. "I know I just need to send an email, I just wanted to removed about my boss being a bag of dicks".
Emotions are energy to these plebs and they need a release valve.
That's literally how they work. They have internal tanks where they store anger, fear, pain, sadness, regret, and those tanks can only hold a limited amount. The release valves require comfort and validation from others to operate so they don't overflow.
It's why you get all of the idiocy from people who complain, complain, complain about everything from minor inconveniences like food spilling to big political issues they need to act or change their behavior to solve but never do.
It's because they have no intention of fixing the problem and are too selfish and entitled to. They just want someone to turn the release valve for them so they can continue along their self-destructive path and feel better about it.
It's disgusting, really.
"trying"? I'd kill for support like that.
i'm grateful he recognizes there's a difference.
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this is genuinely great, I love support like that
i just feel like my shawarma falling apart was a metaphor for our relationship
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
Lmao that's a weird reply
I have a hard time believing some people won't see it as an antagonistic response.
He's a keeper
Mmm, shawarma. Or shaverma if you are from SPb.
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