this post was submitted on 10 May 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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(page 2) 50 comments
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[–] Evotech@lemmy.world 21 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Probably brain, responsetime

Who am I kidding, it’s gonna be vibrating dick

[–] Karjalan@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

Good newss! If you use a massage gun pressed right to the base of your dick, it vibrates like a vibrator.

Great trick if she's on top, fun for everyone

[–] kingpepe8006@sh.itjust.works 7 points 1 day ago

I think somewhere on the internet there is a whole ass manhwa based on this concept

[–] felixwhynot@lemmy.world 111 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Banger post. Deaf community goes hard

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 80 points 2 days ago

Sorry, can't hear you over my massive dong.

[–] hOrni@lemmy.world 53 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I already have a big cock. So I would choose a bigger cock.

[–] crowbar@lemm.ee 14 points 1 day ago

Hey, spare some cock for us too!

Hmm i think i worded that wrong...

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 16 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (6 children)

All y'all are picking dick.

But the correct answer is the balls. Need something more durable and with a faster reload time.

[–] 13igTyme@lemmy.world 12 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Then you want to upgrade your prostate, not balls.

balls

Instructions Unclear, accidentally became leader of Ukraine.

[–] illegible@discuss.tchncs.de 11 points 1 day ago

How many times a day do you need to jerk off?!

[–] Ebber 6 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Careful with that, you probably wouldn't want to end up in a StuG III Ausf B situation

[–] UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago

rubbing a monkey's paw

Oh no! I didn't realize I was asking for Nazi balls!

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[–] Hyphlosion@lemm.ee 28 points 2 days ago

Sometimes I wonder if my brain was already donated.

[–] starbrite@lemmy.zip 55 points 2 days ago (7 children)

My brain, i hate being neurodivergent it'd be so great to just fOCUSSS

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 32 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

It's funny, there's a local TV program where people can anonymously ask adults and kids with various handicaps questions they wouldn't dare ask them directly and "would you rather not have it" is always one of them. The adults always dodge the question by saying that it's not as bad as it seems and so on and then the kids always reply like you did "I would much rather not have any issues!"

[–] kopasz7@sh.itjust.works 50 points 2 days ago (1 children)

The adults: I learned to live with it and now it became part of my identity

The kids: this sucks! everyone's mean to me and the world makes no sense!

[–] 418_im_a_teapot@sh.itjust.works 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Fuck. I felt seen/attacked by that on both counts.

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[–] Droggelbecher@lemmy.world 17 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I'd upgrade the depression away from my brain and give myself the ability for hyperfocus at will and to turn off sensory issues. Taking the autism and ADHD away altogether would leave me a different human, idk that almost feels like dying a little bit, or being lobotomized. Wouldn't want to lose a part of my brain that makes me me. But super valid to want to be neurotypical!

Thinking about it, if it counts as an organ, idk if I wouldn't rather change my immune system to stop attacking healthy tissue and get better at attacking viruses instead. Tough choice.

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[–] Tattorack@lemmy.world 45 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Having a bigger dick is overrated. Great for fantasy, but very impractical.

I'd upgrade my lungs to be better filters and oxygenate my blood. My immune system to fight diseases my efficiently (turn it into a scalpel rather than a cluster-nuke). My brain to retain it's learning capabilities well into my later years. Completely overhaul my metabolism so that I won't have to do heavy exercise to get good muscles (really, all that exercise just exists to make one chemical reaction happen).

After that, then, only then, might I consider doing something with my dick. Though perhaps more with my balls, so I can just switch off the reproductive capabilities to ensure safe sex.

[–] Obi@sopuli.xyz 59 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It said one organ, you went on a shopping spree haha.

[–] Tattorack@lemmy.world 31 points 2 days ago (1 children)
[–] ulterno@programming.dev 10 points 1 day ago

From the moment I understood

[–] altphoto@lemmy.today 25 points 1 day ago

I asked the lady with no legs. She said bigger dick.

[–] Aeri@lemmy.world 24 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Heart failure is one of the biggest killers out there. I think you'd have a better odds of living a long life with some kind of super heart. Your heart is basically just a water pump that has to remain online for 100 years or you die fast.

[–] volvoxvsmarla@lemm.ee 7 points 1 day ago (2 children)

That's a good point, but in my opinion the other common deaths are way worse. Cancer? Living with the anxiety of impending death and constantly getting sicker, more in pain and being nauseous from medication? Or COPD, feeling like you are suffocating slowly? Alzheimers, Parkinsons? Or my personal fear - dying from a stupid simple cold? Man, I take a heart attack any day of the week.

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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 58 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Gosh, only thing I can think of is self-repairing telomeres.

Everything else is perfect, might as well live for hundreds of years.

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 17 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (10 children)

Everything else is perfect? You don't have joints?

[–] Qwaffle_waffle@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Just an immortal pile of goo.

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[–] PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca 5 points 1 day ago (2 children)

I'd upgrade my ass so that I didn't need to shit, it just like teleported the poop somewhere

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[–] frog_brawler@lemmy.world 19 points 2 days ago (4 children)

Upgrade my liver, stay drunk for the next 3 years and 9 months.

[–] apex32@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago (3 children)

Isn't that backwards? The liver filters alcohol out of the body. I would think an upgraded liver would sober you up quicker.

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[–] nerv@lemmynsfw.com 9 points 1 day ago

Skeletal structure.

This implies stronger bones and stronger joints. With a stronger framework to hold your muscles, you get a sturdier body.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago (3 children)

Upgrade my butt. Poot existential dread instead of regular feces.

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[–] Rolder@reddthat.com 26 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Can I just say “my immune system”? That’d prevent all kinds of diseases and make you cancer proof!

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[–] weariedfae@sh.itjust.works 15 points 2 days ago

Sinuses. Those fuckers are overdue for an upgrade. Can you imagine never being congested again?

Brain is the right answer but sinuses are #2.

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