The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Emphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this week that he would like to see him mutilating his elbow a bit more. “You’re clocking high-90s on the radar gun, but you really need to be making that UCL pop more to get the spin rate required to fool hitters,” said Jenson, adding that the 19-year-old lefty still lacked the herky-jerky mechanics and frayed tendons that teams look for in high-ceiling arms. [...]