After spending the entire weekend dry heaving and being set off at the slightest stimulus, I started the week feeling like I haven't felt in over a year.
I'm now on day 4, starting since Monday, of feeling pretty good. Not completely fine, but better than I've been in, well, forever.
It's terrifying because I have no idea why that's happening. Nothing has changed but now my body decides that it's not as nauseous. Will this last? Won't it? I have no idea.
Part of it is fear of the unknown. After a year I got so used to having these symptoms that I forgot what it was like not to have them. It feels foreign.
Another part, and this is something I've shared with my doctor before, is that I would be pissed if I suddenly was cured and we never knew what happened. What would it mean for me? To spend an entire year -- more than a year actually -- disabled, unable to even leave the house or do chores, all medical exams coming back negative, only for it to go away for no reason? It doesn't feel fair. It would feel like I was cheated out of a year of my existence. I recently cancelled my gym membership. I told all my friends and family about the disability. I've had to reorganize my entire life over the past year.
Or is it the fear of being judged? The fear of people thinking that I wasn't really disabled, or that I was exaggerating, if I suddenly get better for no reason? That it wasn't "so" bad?
But it's day 4 of a good stretch that followed after a pretty bad stretch. I still take it easy but it doesn't take a degree to realize that I am currently feeling much better. It's weird, but I want the symptoms back. They feel like home.