this post was submitted on 15 Sep 2025
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The Onion and other satire w/ layers

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In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks through the process of being murdered.

During the emergency call, received at 12:07 a.m. after a home invasion allegedly turned violent, Lyle calmly and expertly delivered step-by-step instructions to Brooks detailing what she should do as she was being taken down by the intruder. A phone transcript details the great care taken by a courageous and composed dispatcher as he ensured the victim was equipped with the knowledge necessary to meet her horrific end.

“911, what’s your emergency?” Lyle said as he answered, jumping into action when he learned the caller was being pursued by a man with a deadly weapon and had already suffered multiple knife wounds. “Okay, please remain calm and listen carefully. We’re going to get through this together. What I need you to do right now is crawl weakly into the next room, struggle to pull yourself to your feet, and then barricade the door with a chair. Can you manage that? This won’t really do much to slow your attacker, and it definitely won’t be enough to stop him.”

“You’re doing great,” he continued. “Just stay with me, and it will all be over soon.” [...]

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[–] andyburke@fedia.io 7 points 5 days ago (1 children)

"Sorry, the officers are too busy trying to organize a drug bust on an incorrect address at this time to respond to violent crime."

[–] BCsven@lemmy.ca 6 points 5 days ago

All officers are currently assisting ICE in tearing apart an innocent family with valid visas.