As the title say, 5 months ago i broke up with my girlfriend, who was also one of my best friends for like 12 years. I know, very cliché. It was my first serious relationship, and the strong bond we had also before made it extremely difficult to detach from one other (for me at least). We knew each other since we were kids and apart from some periods where we wouldnt hang out often we always kept in touch, after all we went in the same high school. After Covid we started developing our friendship and our bond until finally after 2 years of a strange relationship on the edge of the border of friendship and something more, we finally started dating. It was the happiest period of my life. It was incredible, i could feel that we really loved each other on a very deep, almost visceral (don't know if its the correct word but i intend it in a good way) level because of our previous friendship that evolved in a relation. Even though we lived in 2 different city for university, the bond would grow stronger and the time were we wouldnt see each other would wrench my stomach from how much i misser her. And her too, she told me multiple times how she felt phisically the pain of missing me. I made the mistake of assuming it couldn't end, cause of all the years of friendship before and also cause we had some contrasts but we always managed to talk out of it, and i got the feeling that we would pass every obstacle. Of course, i was wrong or i wouldnt be writing this essay. Febraury she left me. To cut it short, she loved me no more. I asked if it was something i had done, she said no, even if i could think of some occasion were i was an idiot. She also said things that hurt me, she said she felt she couldnt always count on me as she did for her previous boyfriend. I was left in shock. I thought i always did everything i could, also she brought up an incident where we didnt understand each other about a phone call she asked me to do late at night. I didnt get she was asking because she had to get home on foot and she wanted to have someone on the phone. I said maybe another time cause i was out with friends and i genuinly thought it was a pleasure call, just to chat. When we met some time later i explained and all was good but she brought up again in a long discussion we had a month before breaking up. I was very sad cause i tought i had explained the misunderstanding. Anyways she left me in the only way i feel like im impotent in changing her idea. What could i do if she doesnt love me anymore? Love comes and goes and i have to accept. Still, after five months i feel im worsening. Having mentioned shes a good friend, shes in my group of friends, so she of course was invited for some parties and for graduations. Ive seen her threen times. I cant watch her in the eyes. Whener i get a glance at her body i freeze and stare in the emptiness. I get silent, im visibly disturbed. I just cant make my mind on the fact she isnt on my side anymore. That she isnt there to love no more. I know its egoistic and dont get me wrong i wish all the best for her. I wish she find somebody and lives the happiest life she can. But i cant go like this no more. The more i see her the more i understand im not getting better, in fact the exact opposite. I think its due to the fact im not letting go the idea she could change her mind, come back to me, love me again, realising she had made a mistake. I dont dare to think any other scenario. I just cant. I think i want to talk to her, but what do i say? It doesnt make sense. I dont have anything to say. She hasnt anything to say probably. I see her smiling and laughing i just cant accept in my head she has erased me like that. She went on, im here stuck on memories and feelings. I dont dare to think i will have anyone anymore. Im sure im not doing things right. Im holding on something i shouldnt, but im scared to just accept the fact its over. Now, i doubt everyone will ever read all of this. Also cause i started as question and finished telling my story, but i needed to vent. Im not talking to much about this with my friends cause i dont want to bother them too much. Dont want to be pedantic. I feel very chilidsh, im almost 23 and i cant live through a break up. I like to think of myself like a bit mature, but god feelings are hard to deal with. Anyways if anyone has tips, ill gladly take some. The ones i got for now are: you just have to accept and let time heal. And i think its solid, maybe the best. But its not working so im open. Wish everybody a good day and thank you for reading, sorry if bad english. Correct many mistaked sorry for the one guy who read it filler with errors.
PS: i uninstalled instagram to avoid seeing her photos and stories. Thought it was better this way.
Thank you very much, very useful!