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this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2024
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No Stupid Questions
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Yuuuup, I ended up getting a tattoo on my wrist that is essentially a personal period joke.
At one stage it was crucial for my survival, it was a kind of grounding token to snap me out of hormonal suicidal insanity when my PMS was at its worst. Something I'd see that would bluntly remind me "it's not you, it's your hormones, you don't actually want this"
When I say the urge came and went zero to sixty back to zero in 30 seconds flat, sometimes that was an understatement. I really struggled because in addition to suicidal ideation during PMS, I had undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, which often gets worse with PMS thanks to the way oestrogen and progesterone play off each other.
Guess who's got major impulsively issues. Guess what two symptoms really shouldn't be combined.
I have zero desire to kill myself.
But my hormones seemed desperate to try and make me do it every month, especially as a teen.
It didn't help that I had endometriosis and at 17 developed a uterine prolapse, on top of a rectal prolapse I'd had since I was 12. I was in agony when I was on my period, so sometimes the desire to make the pain stop overlapped with the suicidal ideation. That sucked. Hard to reason your way out of physical pain.
I've had a hysterectomy (from 17-24 my uterus just kept trying to make its own escape anyway despite attempts to sew it in place) and no longer suffer menstrual dysphoria because it turns out that was gender dysphoria not true PMDD. But I still get suicidal ideation as part of PMS, fortunately my ADHD is much better managed so now my tattoo is less a suicide detterant and just a reminder that I still have ovaries (sometimes I genuinely forget, and it takes me a few days to work out why I'm bloated and irritable and why I'm anxious about my sore boobs)
What's the tattoo? I'm glad you were able to yeet that fucker out of ya 😅
My mum and I had a shared period calendar when I was a young teen and still getting used to tracking my cycle, she hung the calendar and pen in the bathroom to model how I could track my cycle in a diary as I got older.
We invented a key/symbol system so the calendar wasn't intrusive for my brother and father to see, and one of the symbols we used for the luteal phase was a sort of hourglass ⏳, it was originally my mums poor doodle/sketch of a panty liner to indicate "you might spot a bit this week" but it looked like an hourglass so I joked that symbol meant I'm "just waiting for the storm to arrive".
It was the perfect symbol for me, because when people ask about the tattoo, and I don't want to go into the real reason I say "it's a visual reminder" and if they ask more I can say "it's an hourglass, because there's only a little time LEFT, it's on my left hand - I get my lefts and rights mixed up. Plus it reminds me to put my watch back on after I get dressed, so it helps remind me of a lot of different things"
That's a nice thing your mom did, and your tattoo is a great reminder that however bad we're feeling in the moment, that "this too, shall pass."