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What would get you "back to the office"?
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Some things that would make me consider it:
If every single one of these things were implemented I would then still probably leave the place for another WFH job if we didn't use our new ownership powers to revert back to WFH immediately.
Youd give up ownership of the company and extremely employee focused culture, guaranteed favourable yearly increases, as well as the company paying for you to get personal stuff done professionally in order to stay working from home?
This sounds incredibly reactionary and illogical.
I say at the end that we'd probably immediately use those powers to revert back to better working conditions (WFH).
I can't see any scenario where this doesn't happen immediately and was mostly just riffing at the absurdity of thinking companies would implement these things (outside of maybe free lunches) in order to empower labor (to the company's shareholders' detriment) willingly.