TransLater

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A community for trans folk who transitioned or are transitioning later in life.

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TransLater and unsure about how far to go in transitioning (lemmy.world)

submitted 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) by captainjaneway@lemmy.world to c/translater@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I'm 30 years old (soon to be 31). I'm a new trans woman (still working through how I might accept it and see myself). I'm unsure how far I should go. I've spoken at some length on other communities about what it feels like to be "ugly and masc". I realize feeling like I can't "pass" as a fem is partly due to deeply rooted transphobia. I have what most older men have: masculine distribution of fat (bit of a belly), hairy everywhere, fears of balding (so far not yet), deepish voice, etc.

If I had no friends or family, I'd probably just go all in: hormone therapies, voice training, surgeries, etc. But I feel like I need to pass in front of my immediate family since I'm sure I wouldn't be accepted. I love them, but they wouldn't get it.

I don't know how far I should go with transitioning. I am currently considering growing out my hair, shaving, and trying to do exercises that conform my body to a more stereotypical feminine shape. Is there a lot of risk in hormone therapies and voice training? Is it hard to go "boy mode" after the fact? What about being 30+ years old and starting it? Should I just accept I'll never pass?

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (1 children)

There are plenty of trans women who pause HRT and regain fertility and are able to reproduce without any additional steps, but I would talk to a doctor and get a referral for fertility treatment to play it safe.

Either way, I wouldn't let the potential of fertility issues keep you from addressing essentially an endocrine disorder.

That said, I remember being pre-transition, I would find any rationalization I could to not transition, so I get it. Even after transitioning I still felt so much fear that I would go through waves of attempting to rationalize why I should detransition or why I'm not really trans, etc. There was immense resistance to the whole idea, on so many levels.

I know it's probably hard to understand or believe me, but on the other side of things I cannot believe I didn't do this decades ago, there is so much grief at how much of my life I lost. I would do anything to go back and ensure I were on puberty blockers, or even to just start HRT when I was 20. It gets so much worse, your body continues to androgenize even in your 30s and 40s, the voice deepens, body hair shows up where it wasn't before. The mental effects were the most significant to me, it's like I'm waking up and starting life for the first time - only now realizing how little I was alive before.

But it's your life, nobody can tell you what to do, we can just hope you take care of yourself. ❤️

Finding a therapist who is trans affirming has worked with trans patients before can be helpful, a lot of us needed it during this early period of coming to terms with being trans. It can also help later as you might need them to refer you for HRT or write letters for surgeries.

Either way, just know you have a community here to help you - you're not alone. 🫂

[–] captainjaneway@lemmy.world 3 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I know it’s probably hard to understand or believe me, but on the other side of things I cannot believe I didn’t do this decades ago, there is so much grief at how much of my life I lost.

Oh I totally get it. I've been lamenting not transitioning for quite a few years now. The only thing keeping me from committing is really not believing it would work, which I'm beginning to realize is pretty foolish. There are obviously a lot of social reasons that make those excuses easy. I think, ironically, I went to therapy and it cracked my egg, but I started taking Sertraline and it fixed my mood. In a sad way, I think it kind of masked the underlying dysphoria that was causing my to feel depressed in the first place.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago)

yeah, sounds like you get it.

I get not believing it would work, but I just wouldn't count on perfection, you can see that this is the right course on principle, that you won't be mentally or physically healthy without transition, and you know the only evidence-based and effective treatment is transition. It's really that simple, tbh.

Even if it doesn't "work", living without transition works even less.

Also, I agree (now) that it's foolish to assume it won't work - most of us don't think we will ever pass, and lo and behold most of us do after a few years on HRT. I have a trans woman friend IRL who transitioned in her mid-40s who passes and is much happier.

And don't forget, a lot of passing is in your control: hair styling, skin routine, makeup skills, hair removal, voice training, fashion sense - a lot of these tasks are up to you to accomplish and will contribute to walking and talking like a ~duck~ woman, and thus being perceived as a woman in society.

And it gets easier once the estrogen improves your mood, better motivation and energy will help with the challenges of transition. I socially transitioned a few months before I could start HRT, which was a nightmarish time looking back (all the burdens of transition with none of the hormonal mental benefits).

The only way I managed to transition was by recognizing that not transitioning was actively hurting people in my life, I was passively suicidal and unconsciously took risks with my life and limb, and after the second or third ER visit, the people I love were at their wit's ends. Realizing compassion and care for myself was integral to being a good person, and being good to other people was what finally made me open to transition (in addition to the life-changing information about biochemical dysphoria and learning what dysphoria can look like - previously I just didn't know my symptoms matched typical trans experiences).