CW HOMOPHOBIA: My mother said I was too young to be gay, and now I don't have the motivation to come out again. (beehaw.org)

submitted 1 year ago by ImASquirrelYipee@beehaw.org to c/lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org

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Hello, The 4 people in my family who I was considering telling my truth have previously shown acceptance of LGBTQ+ people. They are my mother, father, grandpa (mother's side, probably the most vocal ally I know), grandma (father's side). I recently came out to my mother. She stated that I was too young to be gay, too young to know, and that she wasn't going to believe me until I was over the age of 18. I am in the middle of my teens, and I do not believe I am too young. I now find myself unable to come out to anyone else. It took so much effort to get the words out of my mouth and now I don't know how to tell anyone else. I'm sure, I'm praying, that if I tell her dad, or my dad, or his mum, they'll accept me. They'll make it all right. I don't know what to do. How can I tell someone.

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[-] foxtrots@beehaw.org 23 points 1 year ago

Hot take, but you don't actually have to come out if you don't feel like it. Or, you can come out in another way - for example, when the time comes, be like "hey, I have a [boy/girl/whatever applicable term]friend and I want you to meet them." If you still want to be out but don't feel like it right now, maybe wait a little bit and then come out to the people you're most sure will respond well.

Good luck with your journey and I hope it goes better next time. Just remember to listen to your needs and not push yourself out of any sense of obligation.

[-] autumn@beehaw.org 13 points 1 year ago

hell yes to this. i’m in my mid 30s. i’m bisexual. only the people who need to know, know. why would my parents care? i’m (afab) dating a cis man. people who i feel especially close to know that i’m not straight. i’m “out” insomuch as i’ll say a girl is cute if i happen to see one.

[-] LucyLastic@beehaw.org 9 points 1 year ago

That's not really helpful to a gay teenager, though. It can feel suffocating at that point in life.

[-] foxtrots@beehaw.org 11 points 1 year ago

I get what you mean, but I disagree. As a teen, I thought I had an obligation to come out to everyone, and make a whole big announcement. It was a huge relief to hear that actually, I don't owe anyone information that would be exhausting to share and could make my life harder. It was my choice, and no one else's, and there was no timeline I had to follow.

[-] foxtrots@beehaw.org 7 points 1 year ago

Exactly this! I pick and choose who knows based on how comfy I am around someone. Like you, I'm bi in a "straight-passing" relationship, so many people aren't aware; my dad will probably never know unless I date a girl, or he finds out in some random way, but I just don't really care to share that part of my life with him. The older I get, the less effort I make to keep anything a secret. But I don't make a strong conscious effort to come out to people if I don't feel like it.

[-] ImASquirrelYipee@beehaw.org 6 points 1 year ago

I kind of want to come out because if I don't I will find it hard to find a boyfriend especially in my current situation there are like 0 queer people around

[-] foxtrots@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago

That's fair. Are you in a place where everybody knows each other? If your parents aren't really likely to hear it from anywhere else, you can also come out to other people, like at school or in your social circles, without necessarily having to come out to your family.