this post was submitted on 19 May 2025
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Transitioning can be really tough, and a lot of people find themselves in your position.
When you marry a straight woman and you turn out to be a woman, it can lead to the end of the marriage. And getting to that end can be a difficult, embittering, and painful process drawn out over years. Lots of trans women don't feel they have a right to transition (because of how the dominant narrative is that we are selfish and immoral for wanting to transition), and so many of us never do, or we capitulate to the fears of the straight spouse and don't take some of the most important steps for our well-being. We hold on, we capitulate on our needs and our identity, and we think we're being responsible and good for doing so.
But not taking transition steps because of a straight spouse who is afraid of losing the person they married isn't necessarily as responsible at it may seem to us - trans people who capitulate and don't take seriously their biological & hormonal needs can be much worse for their family than they realize.
They can think they are being responsible and putting their family first, but all they are doing is delaying the inevitable and risking everything in the meantime. Suicide rates are very high for trans folks, and social & medical transitioning is the only known treatment that improves trans welfare. In my view, not transitioning is the more irresponsible option, even in this situation. You can't help who you are, being trans isn't a choice - it's genetic. Finding out you are trans is not that different than finding out you have another genetic endocrine disorder like diabetes or hypothyroidism, foregoing the only known useful treatments for that disorder is not a reasonable option, not only is it not what is best for your well-being, but by extension it is what threatens the well-being of people who care about you and depend on you.
Either way, here are some common pieces of advice I try to give:
I should say, this conflict doesn't always result in the end of the marriage. Some people stay together and make their marriage more platonic. Some straight spouses learn that their sexuality was more open than they realized, and they continue to love and be sexually compatible with the person they married.
It's often not obvious to us what our needs are, so be careful about making promises. The first several months after social transition I wasn't sure I would ever want a vaginoplasty, and within 6 months of transition I was increasingly dysphoric and aware how bottom surgery would help me. Spouses sometimes push for promises to take things slow or gatekeep ... the system will gatekeep you already, going slow is only going to hurt you. So be careful about making promises you shouldn't.
Either way, I hope you are both able to make responsible choices that mutually respect one another's needs. Your wife shouldn't settle for a marriage with someone they can't be attracted to (they can't help that they're straight), and likewise you shouldn't settle for a where you are required to forego necessary medical treatment and consign yourself to suffering in a body and life that is not yours.
Thank you so much for the detailed, thoughtful response! The Gender Dysphoria Bible is one that I’ve already started working through at the suggestion of one of my friends, but I’ll definitely add those other resources to my list.
I don’t think I’ve been in any danger of self-harm, but it has been eye opening how I can now look back and see signs of depression that I’d been pretending didn’t exist, and how much relief I feel having opened up to her and facing this part of myself, even with all the anxieties about things that may or may not happen. I do think I want to begin HRT, but I also don’t want to just charge ahead in without her. I understand what you’re saying about not letting her hold me back for my own sanity and health, but I think I’m going to need to find the balance between keeping her trust and doing what I need to do for me.
I also fear what impact coming out more broadly might have on our son, especially at his age, and remembering how miserable middle school could be. And I recognize that a lot of my fears and hesitations are based on societal dysphoria (thanks, Gender Dysphoria Bible!), but I’m struggling to get over that hurdle.
There are so many book recommendations, lol - just let me know if you want a list.
I wouldn't say suicidal ideation is the same as self-harm, and that was meant to just be one example of harm that comes from not transitioning - dissociation, depression & anhedonia, anxiety, drug abuse & other addictions are all examples of other harms that are commonly found in trans populations and which improve with gender-affirming care:
https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/
I had no idea that I was depressed, anxious, or suicidal until I started HRT. Within a month or so I was having what felt like randomly happy moments throughout my day, and I noticed I no longer felt like it would be objectively better if I were dead. It turns out I had been passively suicidal since I was 13, and this was the first time since then that I had genuinely (irrationally!) felt happy to be alive - even when engaging in otherwise stressful events, like running errands. It is a bizarre experience.
All this to say, I completely understand if the benefits of HRT seem theoretical or unlikely, or that you don't really struggle that much or that it's not that important (and certainly not that important relative to your marriage and family, etc.).
I'm not sure there is much I could have said to myself pre-transition that would have made me take this seriously, and I had no kids and a spouse that wanted me to transition (because she wanted what was best for me). I felt transitioning was selfish and irresponsible, and I worried it would disrupt relationships with my in-laws. And it did! But looking back it seems absurd to me that I dismissed transitioning because of them (even knowing now that my fears came true and I lost those important relationships). I mostly feel immense grief and regret at having not transitioned a decade ago, of having dismissed my dysphoria as just a likely fetish or clothing preference (and not seeing or understanding it was much more than that).
Definitely need to find a balance (it would be worrying if you didn't care about your wife's needs), but that balance probably also shouldn't be not taking HRT because your wife is afraid of you becoming a woman.
This is part of why a couples counselor might be helpful, to mediate those conversations and ensure some fairness and proper perspective.
There is a lot working against you as a trans person. People don't understand trans folks, we are not well-liked and we are vilified as a political scapegoat. There is immense pressure against us socially, and this means it is hard to stay grounded in reality and what is evidenced. So from my perspective it's important to compensate for that anti-trans bias by being clear-sighted about the clinical significance of transition and its medical necessity, mostly because I know most trans people drag their feet to please others.
I have endless stories of people who don't transition or who delay or slow their transition for some reason or another, and the reasons are rarely legitimate and are often based on misinformation, anti-trans bias, or simply another person's preferences. For example, one trans woman I know can't get bottom surgery despite her dysphoria because her wife wants to continue having penetrative sex. Even more of us just never even consider social or medical transition because of what it would mean for our relationships.
So, I get it - it's hard, but it's also important, so working on finding a way forward is important.
In the past people have pointed out that by not transitioning you also communicate something to your kid about what is or isn't acceptable, that it provides a poor role model and message. I understand the concern, though - I just think if you're like the rest of us, you're likely to be a much better human and thus a much better parent if you transition. Those are the clinical facts.
Yes, please, on additional reading recommendations! I’m still early enough in all of this to not know most of what I don’t know.
I really appreciate the advice and suggestions, and I’m trying to reframe my perspective. That was a really good point about inadvertently teaching some of the wrong lessons by giving in to fears and external pressures driven by societal bias.
EDIT: and it's maybe even more important you model taking transition seriously for yourself given that being trans is genetic and your kids are more likely to be trans than the rest of the population (so how you handle your own trans-ness will certainly influence them, and that might be even more impactful if they turn out to be trans as well).
Reframing your perspective is important to protect yourself, but it's also important to bring the people in your life along with you - it's no good if your perspective has changed but your wife's hasn't, for example. Otherwise you can expect increased friction as you gain the education and perspective she needs as well. Either way, you definitely need the education for yourself regardless, esp. since you can't rely on other people (doctors, psychologists, employers, friends, etc.) to know or understand already.
OK, so I already mentioned the most important ones:
I would also add:
Also:
When I first transitioned, I also read like every peer reviewed science article I could find, so on the science end, I recommend finding and reading:
Science related videos I recommend:
Also on the academic side:
There is more, but I think this is a lot for now anyway.
This is fantastic, and will definitely keep me occupied for a while. Slow reader here 😅
I am too, it took many months to work through all of these 😅
Also, if you ever have any questions, feel free to reach out ❤️ And best of luck to you!
I’m sure I will! Thank you again so much!