So if this isn’t the right community for this I get it, and feel free to remove it (but please do let me know why, so I don’t make the same mistake in the future, the rules don’t really say what sort of content, and this feels pretty femme-centric)
Partially I need to vent and don’t have a great social network at the moment, and partially I’m looking for ways to handle.. not the situations (those I can mostly handle as ex-military, former wrestler, badass chick 💪), but the guilty uncomfortable awkward feelings. Those are new since I stopped trying so hard to mask and started experiencing myself more.
I bartend once a week at a bar and grill as the only employee of my shift (I also cook and it’s too much tbh), and I guess that used to be a lot easier, or maybe the places I was working were just… less likely to attract the sort of people this one does.. it’s sort of an older-crowd townie bar (I’m complimented on being highly competent, and I feel like I’m drowning), with a local heavy drinking culture. It doesn’t cost a lot to sit and drink all night, so a lot of people do. ($1-1.50 for mugs, or 1.75-2.25 for pints/bottles of cheap swill - on Wisconsin..?)
I usually try to dress super frumpy, baggy sweatshirt and stuff, because I’m ace/aro, not very social, and somewhere on the autism spectrum, and getting hit on at work is nothing but wildly uncomfortable.
I’ve made the mistake before of looking somewhat nice (no makeup or jewelry, just something that fits better than a baggy hoodie), and it doesn’t net me more tips, it just leads to uncomfortable propositions. Drunk dudes, am I right?
Young guy tonight (based on his first console, probs like mid 20s) was super nice, totally nerdy and probably wasn’t expecting a chat about video games with a collector at a dive bar, but I’m just not interested in hanging out for playing right now because I’m moving in two months, otherwise I’d risk the awkwardness even though I can tell it would have been at best a weird friendship. I felt really bad for that rejection when he verbally swallowed his feelings and asked anyway (would.. never mind.. well maybe you’d like to). Because just bad timing. Even my boss knows I’m leaving at the end of July, and have a lot of work to do. He rushed out after but it legit wasn’t personal. Poor kid. (Omg I feel old. He didn’t like Reddit or other social link aggregators and I introduced him to the concept of RSS feeds..)
Coworker didn’t bother trying to be subtle. He’s around a lot and always drunk, and he today said “I know you are asexual and I respect that, but I really want to just ravage you” and so on and so forth with increasing specificity, for a very uncomfortable half an hour of drunken propositional rambling (despite my very clear “no, thank you, you know I’m really not interested in that with you or anyone else. That doesn’t sound fun to me as much as you think it should, so I’m not interested, but thank you for being honest about it so we could be entirely clear, now please stop commenting on what you want to do to me..”) while I tried to clean.. and prior he tried to pick a fight with some other guy I’ve never seen before that one of my regulars also had never met.. and I had to tell him to chill the fuck out.. I’ve never had to flex my powers as the sole voice of the bar before and it suuuucked, but he did indeed shut the fuck up and sit down. So that was kinda fun?
And I’m just.. so tired of fending off this shit. I don’t want any of it. I don’t wear makeup, I stopped trying to cover my gray hair years ago, and I intentionally dress to not impress.. I’m just trying to do my job and also be comfortable with the heat.. I’m not even all that nice to anyone, other than quiet lady folks. Especially those who clearly don’t want to be there and just got dragged along. I try to keep them entertained when I can, and make them question their dynamic. I get being there.
How do I deal with feeling like crap about other people being gross? Or risking their all to be turned down by someone doing a job? I know how to be strong and upfront and honest, to do the work to be clear about my intentions, even if I’m nice about it, but I don’t have a clue how to feel better about it..
I'm not ex-military, nor a former wrestler, nor a particularly badass chick. But my father was a Chief Warrant Officer/RSM and he taught me a few things I've used to my advantage in altercations. (This included basic knife usage.) So, with you here all the way sister: make unwelcome advances uncomfortable the other way!
It's wildly uncomfortable for those of us classified as "oversexed" by their prudish coworkers too. It's that whole "consent" thing that so many people have such a basic problem with. 😥
He has to learn the bitter lesson that being attracted in one direction doesn't mean being attracted the other. Yeah, I'd feel a bit bad for hurting a decent, super nice guy, but if I'm not interested I'm just straight-up not interested.
(You sound really nice, mind, for actually caring. By now I'm long past that point.)
You have a lesson to learn like the nice kid had to learn.
You're going to hurt people. Sometimes (hopefully most times) without intending to and without malice. You can't stop caring; that way lies madness. But you have to learn to just understand and accept that you are not responsible for how other people feel. And that's a particularly hard lesson for women to learn because we've been brought up all our lives, in most cases, to be the "caring" and "nurturing" ones.
Some people are going to smash their face into a brick wall. That's on them. If they do it on accident, or because they didn't know brick walls hurt, be sympathetic and help them out if it's applicable. But if they smash their face into a brick wall because they're too stupid to link that to pain, that's on them, not you. And if they smash their face into a brick wall repeatedly because "this time will be different" that is again on them, not you. You just have to accept the fact their feelings are theirs and not your responsibility.
And it's fucking hard. (Tough as I talk I sometimes feel bad too even today.)
But you know what? Talking it out here or with your friends who 'get' you (especially with the added complexity of aro/ace) is definitely a good thing. Wounded birds flocking helps all.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m a whopping 5’2 120lb chihuahua😅. I know how to throw my weight around if I have to, but I’m so ridiculously out of practice that I just rely on demeanor. Works well enough; people call me intimidating a lot. For reasons I guess.
That’s fair, I totally didn’t mean to imply that I’m only uncomfortable because of the qualifiers, just perhaps that they make it feel more difficult because I don’t have much of a framework for attraction interactions, maybe.
But you are right, it would be equally uncomfortable regardless because it’s ultimately unwanted interaction.
And you are also right that I need to distance myself from the life lessons of others.. I was diagnosed with adhd at 5 and it was used as a reason to move me every single year from age 5 to 17 (different schools every year until my junior year) so I didn’t grow with peers, I grew near people I barely interacted with, and idk what to do socially now..
So I appreciate your advice and words even if you think they come with a cynical air (realistic, if anything, I get it, and the sloppy bloody face brick wall person thing is why I don’t social)
I have no idea what those moon units mean, but the comparison to a chihuhua I get. So I might be bigger than you. 😄 (160cm, 55kg.) But I get the whole demeanour thing. That's what Dad tried to instill into me (with shaky initial results but I'm much better at that iron stare now).
I get that the aro/ace thing likely disorients you more. I just wanted you to be aware it isn't just you. Almost ALL women find being hit on while trying to do their job disruptive, creepy, and really irritating. You're not alone and you've got people who can at the very least empathize. And there's not much you can do unfortunately without risking losing your job. You have to say "no" firmly. Draw the line. Make sure you call out any line crossing. And if they don't get the message, pull out your 鸳鸯钺¹. That usually gets their attention (and you'll be able to leave your job almost immediately! 😉).
¹ These things.