I wish this wasn't my lot in life. I didn't wake up one day and choose this. I identify with being a woman and feel weighed down by being trans and wish that part of me didn't exist. I don't really feel pride anymore.
Thinking back, I'm realizing that I wasted my entire life just trying to survive. I spent my entire childhood depressed and sometimes suicidal because I could never be a woman. When I was 18 and realize being a trans woman was possible, I wasted seven years toiling over whether that was the right choice, whether I'd be happier opening myself up to constant mistreatment if I got to live on my own terms. When I finally realized I couldn't go on anymore and found a therapist and started HRT, I was 25 and male puberty and completely run its course. I lost so much during that process. My transition has gone much better than expected, and I have my moments, but I will never fully pass now.
Conservatives say we make being queer our entire personalities, and I try so hard to resist that. I have other interests, but I'm just so exhausted by life all the time and I can't do them. I want to write a book, learn a language, learn code so I can make an indie game. I've been trying to learn piano for three years now and I'm still not very far. I wish I could have had the time to learn all these things earlier. So much my time has been spent either depressed about society's transphobia or trying to "catch up" on being a woman, learning how to dress and put on makeup years late, coming out and having to revisit my relationships with everyone I know, making new friends to make up for the ones I lost, doing voice lessons, going to protests, laser and surgery, constant appointments, undergoing the lengthy name and ID-change process. I could go on. I've missed out on so much in my life on account of being trans. I read a lot about authors who grew up writing fanfic wishing I was one of those people, instead of just being sad and doing the bare minimum besides keeping my grades up and reading books. These days, I just go to my job, sometimes work overtime, play catch-up, spend time with my partner, and read the news.
And now just three short years of being fully out and on hormones, it's all being taken away and I genuinely don't know where I'll be in four years or whether I'll be alive.
There's probably nothing after this, and this is the only life I get. I can't have my own consciousness if reincarnation is real. If the Christian god is real, then at worst I have being turned into a genderless angel-thing and being stripped of my womanhood in heaven, or hell at best. I'm not saying being born a cis woman would solve all my problems. I've dealt with sexism too and know how harmful it is. But I don't think I will ever get to live a normal life, and now at almost 30, I don't think trans people will ever achieve social acceptance in my lifetime. Things keep going worse, and our most influential trans person in office says we need to slow down trans acceptance.
I think a lot about the concept of people just living, wanting to do things but who end up just working and being tired, and then dying before they get to accomplish any of the things they wanted to achieve in life. At this point, I've whittled down all my life goals to just two things: get married to my fiance and make some piece of art that someone says they liked, even though I'm so far behind and it wouldn't be very good.
Honestly, felt.
I'm 30. I started hrt in December of last year. I waited way too long and now I feel like I'll never be fully fem. Hell, I remember clearly when I was younger, being told by my grandparents how handsome and manly I was becoming. They told me they noticed my torso and shoulders broadening, and that girls would like that. I clearly remember the disgust and discomfort that I experienced from that despite happening over 10yrs ago.
I'm very socially stunted from a life lived in seclusion as a result of my dysphoria. Romantic relationships are a new concept to me. My first experience being intimate with someone was with another trans woman who turned out to be a predator. I was too easy for her to manipulate as a result of my naivete, and she eventually raped me.
I'm lonely. I feel broken. I feel like trash that should be shoved into a pile and left to rot. The emotions I began feeling as a result of hrt have been suppressed again. I am numb and dead inside. I know I have feelings, I can see it in my behavior. I know there is someone I love, and I know she loves me in return. I get excited when I see her. When I'm with her I want to stay glued to her. I miss her when she's gone. Yet, these are observations based on my behavior. In reality, I do not actually feel anything. As much as I want to, I am too numb to actually commit and put a name on our relationship. Besides, I'm American, she's Chilean. If I went to visit her then it'd be a one-way trip out of the country. God forbid she comes here.
My only comfort is friends telling me that I already pass really well, and that I look like I'm in my early 20s as opposed to beginning my 30s. I'm not sure I believe them because I still get misgendered by strangers, but I appreciate them trying.
However, as fucked up as my personal journey has been, I believe that, as small and inconsequential as I may be, my journey plays a tiny part in helping the trans children of the future. My small voice, combined with others, will help keep us from obscurity and help keep future generations from the misery I have experienced. True progress doesn't happen overnight. It is a pebble helping guide the water to erode the mountainside.
To tell you the truth, I've considered ending it; but I keep going because of the friends and family in my life. I keep going because of the woman I love. I keep going for future generations. So I continue to take my hormones, swallow my misery and try to make the best of it. My only hope is that, if an afterlife exists, I will be able to live out eternity in my true form, in happiness.