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Relationship Advice

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how to help depressed boyfriend? (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by classybattery@sh.itjust.works to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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my bf of almost three months (we've been friends for about a year or two) is always feeling stressed, depressed, or empty. i want to help him, so im just there with him and remind him that i'm there even when he doesn't feel like talking or we don't have much to say.

due to his feelings, he also doesn't know what he wants, and while he loves me, he doesn't know if he wants to talk to me and be around me or not. it makes me really sad, he's also had a bad childhood. i wanna be there for him but he also doesn't know what he wants and i feel sad thinking about and worrying about how sad he is.

he's been reading my messages and not replying or being offline more than usual.

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[–] lwuy9v5@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

so im just there with him and remind him that i’m there even when he doesn’t feel like talking or we don’t have much to say.

That's a great thing to do! :) It's often hard to find people willing to do that, and willing to give space for being disabled/disordered.

A few ideas, from my lifelong struggle with depression, that you can think about as a partner:

  • Let them know it's okay to talk about feelings, that it's okay to bring stuff up with their friends/support circle, that it's okay to see a therapist. You can ask (maybe, when it's less of a down-period) if it'd ever be helpful to help set them up with a therapist, if that's a thing you think you could help contribute with.
  • Let them know that depression and stress happen, and it doesn't mean they are broken. Things might not always get better, but there will probably be another day sooner than later when it feels easy for their heart to smile
  • Let them know it's okay to be quiet or in the shit or less responsive. Give space for that and make sure you are attending to your own feelings and self and interests in those times. Do things for YOURSELF to help you feel okay and loved and supported by your support circle. If you think they are in the shit, you can do gentle things to help, like ask if you can bring over a snack or some small treat they like, or some other gesture, but also remind them that they are loved and you like to talk/spend time with them whenever they are ready, and they don't need to feel pressure to feel ready.

for THEM, though, the things they can think about:

  • Have that support circle. Do what you can to re-establish friends or family, even if you drift away when you're in the shit
  • Get help. Therapy is great. Hard, but great. If it's too expensive, think about it later when that's less of an issue. There's lots of workbooks that can be attempted for free, and different things work for different people. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can maybe be attempted alone (during less-down times), and works for some people. Dielectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) works for other folks. There's lots of free resources online for both. It's okay to just familiarize yourself with those concepts and frameworks, if nothing else.
  • Learn to think about how you're feeling. Learn to take time to stop and name your feelings. Remember that you are the driver, and you can interact with or influence those feelings to some extent.
  • Look at the things stressing you out in life or depressing you. Some can be solved. Some can be avoided. Some can be escaped - with distractions, with hobbies. Some things are there to stay, and we can only get better at living with them when they come around.
  • Remember hobbies, remember coping strategies, remember things that excite or make you happy. Write them down! Refer to that list, when things are going bad.
  • You aren't broken. Things will get better, sometimes. They will probably get worse again, too. And better again. It's worth it.
[–] classybattery@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 weeks ago

thank you so much, i'll see if i can find some workbooks to buy for him, if he'll use them. i'll also just be there for him, support him along the way, and most of all, help him get help.