Maybe I'm just exhausted from getting little sleep last night and feeling really sad, but I could use some support.

I've [30m] started dating again since my last break up. For context, I've had a pattern of meeting people, looking for the best in them, get kinda excited although realistically I have reservations, and then within 4 months the whole thing blows up.

I'm off the dating apps because they get me down, and I've only dated friends a few times because I get huge anxiety about potentially losing a friendship if a relationship goes south. I get huge anxiety about relationships in general just because of a long string of heartbreak.

It's happening again- I met someone who came to an event I host, and she was so wonderful. Just a beam of light- her optimism matched mine, she is into many of the things I'm into like biking and climbing, and she even led a jam on piano at my event (I'm a musician and it's a jam based on a principle of musical humanism). At the end of the night, we even got to dancing in the middle of the room. That night I asked her to go swing dancing and if she'd want to see a show I was music directing before. She said yes to both and I felt so excited, but also knowing it was just as friends. I wanted to see if we would be compatible before asking any bigger questions.

The next day I sent a message and a meme, but got no response. My thoughts went to "I'm putting too much pressure on this and she's reacting" or "she's not interested" and it made me pretty blue. The next day I messaged her telling her that the place we were dancing is going to be 20s themed just so she knew what to wear if she wanted, and she texted back like normal- all was good again.

That night she came to my show and we both biked up to the Green Mill (the jazz club in Chicago) and we had a great time. In the middle when we went back for a drink, we kissed and I was so excited. We talked and found we had so much in common- our thoughts on the importance of family, community, and how we can lift eachother up to be better than the sum of our parts. We both are active and extroverted, and felt the same how often times we feel like society wants us to shut up and not be extra. We both love the same kinds of beer. We both had struggled with weed- she put it well that her favorite thing about herself is her social skills, but when she's high it all goes away, just like me. She works for a bike company, I used to work for a bike company. She wants to start a hot dog stand, I want to write a coffee table book about city flags. We even planned to go climbing together for a second date.

I honestly felt like I found my one.

But then she dropped that she had a long distance relationship with a guy in Amsterdam, and that they agreed that it's okay to be open in their relationship. She said she wasn't polyamorous, but it was a way that she felt they could be there for each other while allowing their needs to be met. I told her I'm definitely monogamous and had an open relationship before but it wasn't fun for me. That said she said she was reconsidering her current relationship, but I've also been in similar situations where I've waited for someone to leave their situation to be with them and those also didn't go anywhere.

We biked back that night, and we still had a great time, and she messaged me when she got home. I sent her my number over Instagram, but that was the last message I got. I guess id expect a "hey Meep this is __!" Text so I had her number, but I still haven't heard back. I'm trying not to push it so I'm going to let her be the one to initiate the next conversation.

In the meantime I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I mean granted I just met her and I shouldn't be so heavily invested or excited. I should be taking it slow but I don't know how. Hell I barely understand what taking it slow means. I should be perfectly fine being alone in my apartment with my cat. I've done so much work on myself to try and be in a place where I can feel again, but now I feel like I'm going back into another heartbreak.

I know a lot of this is also because I live alone and my family is 2000 miles away. I wrote a song that paints the picture- "oh, I'm floating away/ oh, I'm floating away/ the spacewalk went wrong/ I clipped into the other side/ of the moon/ just to know what distance feels like". I want to feel secure. I want to feel at home. But these relationships I find myself in tend to do the exact opposite. I'm back on the high seas and it's a stormy night.

I just wish I could be like a normal person and not feel. Or at least not feel like this.

[Mention of past abuse, narcissist parent, gaslighting.]

I (F) am having a tough time with the fallout from a relationship with a man that ended two months ago, and I'd appreciate some advice from other people who've experienced something similar or have some words about how to break the cycle.

We started dating under the premise of being poly/ENM. Together, we created a genuinely safe space where I could process past relationship trauma. For the first time, I felt capable of opening up without pressure or feeling like some "poor hurt demi-ace woman" trophy to be won.

Then came the withdrawal. During my 2.5-week trip abroad, he became distant. When asked why, he said he wasn't sure and needed time. A week of silence later, as I was heading home by train, he sent a breakup text explaining he'd realised he wasn't poly and wanted monogamy + kids (hard no for me).

This revelation? From one conversation with his best friend. One. After months of thinking he was poly, he had one talk and completely switched tracks, and instead of discussing these feelings with me, he withdrew and panicked, convinced I'd jump him and act like nothing had changed. Despite my consistent respect for boundaries and careful approach to intimacy, he created a fantasy version of me that matched his fears rather than reality.

I'm seething at the cowardice, but also drowning in compassion. I feel his withdrawal is a self-preservation mechanism from childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, and he's fighting hard to overcome a saviour syndrome that kept him in past relationships well past their expiration date.

But honestly, I believe I stumbled too. When we finally met to talk, I was so disappointed and emotionally overwhelmed I could barely put words together, and I told him our time together "hadn't been worth it" - pure hurt speaking and untrue, but what is done is done.

Then, unable to let go overnight, I suggested staying online friends. He agreed but needed "time to process". What followed was a week of more withdrawal from him, ending with him demanding explanations for my words and behaviour while dismissing my pain. 

When I sent an audio explaining my hurt and suggesting we take some time apart, he responded with a text gaslighting me once again, twisting everything into being about his feelings. I ended up blocking him - betraying my own values of communication and reconciliation.

Now I'm dating myself, doing many things I wanted to do with him. With a partner. He lives in an area I've always loved and frequented, and I refuse to make my world smaller for him, so I haven't stopped going. We've already crossed each other a couple of times. I smiled, because I truly don't hate him nor wish him harm, and he acted like I wasn't there. Still the urge to reach out, to help... it lingers and it sucks.

I catch myself constantly hoping for dialogue, wanting to listen, to support… and I know this isn't healthy - ffs I've even stayed in contact with my abuser thinking my presence might prevent him from hurting other women.

And I know I sound fucking self-righteous and saintlike, and yet I feel anything but.

How can I redirect this energy back to myself? How can I stop trying to fix others and focus on my own healing? I'd love to hear any tips from those who've broken this pattern.

Thanks all 🖤

It’s been a year, and me (39M) and my wife (36F) have been intimate twice, separated by nearly six months apart.

I know our relationship has had issues, with financial stress and financial infidelity (5+ years ago, I withheld how bad our cash flow was, using debt to maintain our lifestyle). She has been stressed at her job of 3 years, and now she’s gotten a job that strictly is 8:30-5:30, with no carryover into her personal life.

She can’t let go of the pain I caused her. She feels she hasn’t had time to do so since she started working 5 years ago to help gain a foothold on finances.

This carries over to the bedroom. She has always had a lower libido, but it’s straight turned off. I don’t know how someone in a relationship can possibly handle that long (6+ months) without masturbation or intercourse.

At this point, it’s a huge pain point for us. She knows I desperately want to connect physically, but it feels like the path to her healing is a chicken or the egg dynamic. However, sex is unilaterally off if I’m trying to initiate.

Since I’m batting well below the Mendoza line, I told her I’ve had enough and I’m not pursuing her in bed going forward. The straw was my birthday. I spent the entire day trying to take her on a date and be romantic…not even a kiss or hug.

I just feel like I’m dying inside. I’m literally giving it six months or I’m filing for divorce. That will be her birthday present if we can’t find common ground. I would rather live in a shack, mired in debt and alone, seeing our four kids every now and then, then be this fucking miserable every night.

How the fuck do people cope with this?

Hey,

so this is my first post on Lemmy, as I have decided to leave reddit.

M33 liking someone who lives in a different country F28 (not that far away with an airplane).

I am sick of dating apps where I live, so I have decided to download dating apps where you get matched with others, but they live in different countries.

So I have matched with this girl, and we have been talking for 2 days straight non stop, including sending tons of voice note.

Now I am the kind of person who could like another person very fast, especially if we get along really well, and she is the only person from this app that I got along very well.

I am trying to think rational about it, if this would ever workout or not. Although my feelings want it to work out, but there are some situations where I cannot see her very soon. One of the situations is that at the moment I am jobless and I am looking for a job.

Although we have been getting along very well, I am afraid that what we have might die soon because just talking to eachother on whatsapp or something is never enough for me. It is very important that I meet people to get a sense if this would work out or not, also doing activities and so on.....

I am overthinking too much of how things could work out, although I dont know how things could work out to be honest......whenever I have this feeling of liking someone, my brain just goes crazy. If I start not having any subjects to talk about with her, I am afraid of saying something so stupid that could ruin everything.

I know its been only 2 days and I might be overreacting, but unfortunately I am a very emotional guy.......what can I do?

I might just need a slap on my face from one of you to wake up lol

P.s. Sorry if my post is confusing....

Your experience in that matter?

Has anyone gotten this feeling before? For a long time my life was forced to go in a direction I didn't want it to but I had no choice but to passively accept and deal with where I was being lead. So I think it might be a learnt behavior. I know this isn't a relationship_advice thing but it feels relevant. (Fyi I am not a vulnerable girl being exploited, but perhaps advice applicable to them might help me too)

Been in a relationship for a year, since early in the relationship my partner has been suffering with chronic back pain. This pain is almost always present, this causes breakdowns multiple times a week, especially on weekends.

I've been having a hard time helping her manage her pain and being there for her, it reoccures so much that I'm starting to feel myself becoming apathetic towards her, and sometimes outright cold.

I haven't really been getting a chance to rest from being emotionally available, or even socially available (even though life circumstance already caused me to basically halt all social life). And i haven't really had a weekend this past months that i could use to rest instead of being on call and hearing her cry most of the day.

I feel like I'm pouring from an empty cup and that I don't have any other choice, otherwise I'd be leaving her to deal with it herself.

It feels like it's going to be the end of our relationship, any advice?

p.s. we're a man-woman relationship, young adults, both of us not really experienced in relationships, if that's any help.

I grew up in (foreign) country A but then moved back to my home country (B) with my parents. I plan to move back to country A eventually because I feel 100% at home in the culture there, but am just a bit unsure about the timing. The problem is that I'd like to get into dating (I'm 21) and country A has a really low amount of people of my type, whereas the country I'm originally from (B) has plenty (but I only feel 70-80% at home here). So I'm thinking I might postpone my move back to country A where this won't really be possible until in a couple of years when I'm more happy to settle down. I wanted to ask you older folks if you think this is a wise idea.

Editing after time to think everything through. No idea where it came from. Prolly never will know. Works well for my Xbox and TV though, less bending over when I switch rooms etc.

I've decided some things just can't be explained and trust wouldn't be worth anything if it was easy all the time. Thanks for everyone who took the time to respond to this and the other messed up posts - even the one guy who is apparently my secret psychologist and knows me better than I know myself!

Enjoy, mates!

Original

Reposting this because I was out of it this morning thanks to a muscle relaxant doc gave me that I took last night - clearly was still out of it when I typed it out originally. Thanks to those who originally commented. So the general situation is this:

• she cheated years ago at valentines day party, was bad alcoholic at time and made out with some dude. Had to find out on my own through chance pretty much, trickle thruthd me after that.

• has not since, that I know of, and genuinely seems to care about relationship. Also never drinks anymore at all.

• still have somewhat toxic behaviors we are both working on. We lived together for 2 years but recently moved out and back into respective parents houses due to ongoing foot injury, with me not being able to work and thus we couldn't afford bills

• decided to stay together and spend every other weekend at hotel for alone time, see each other about 4-5x per week and sex 1-2 times.

• Used her car to move last of my stuff to my parents, and I never bought it at the old house.. she says she may hAve but can't find receipt and isn't the type to buy something like this regardless.

• Yesterday found a 50-80bdollar surge strip protector in her car in box, no sticker with address, and we both asked our families - no one knew where it was from.

Am I wrong to assume she may have had someone else in there and he left it in there on accident?

If I am missing details anyone feel free to ask.

Basically what I'm struggling with here is where the hell this thing could have come from since it wasn't in her car a couple weeks ago and no one seems to know where it came from including her

.

Hello!

My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Due to a 3 hour distance we see each other once a week. We have been having issues for a couple of months because he got severely depressed and is very distant towards me. I try to support him as much as i can, even though it‘s hard sometimes. Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day and I always put in a lot of effort for his birthday (even though he rejected everything i planned this year because of his depression).

Anyways, i had an ex when i was 16-17, who was also my best friend and my neighbor. We started dating and he started doing heavy drugs. He was an alcoholic and an addict. He was in hospital 3 times for overdosing and due to all this he was also emotionally abusive. I carry a lot of trauma from that relationship, so my opinion of drugs (doesn‘t matter if it‘s weed or cocaine) is extremely not good. I hate it.

I told my boyfriend about this when we started dating and he agreed. A few months ago he went to the Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms. It bothered me a lot so I told him that I thought i made myself clear. He said he only tried it for fun and won‘t do it again.

Yesterday he confessed to me that he was taking lsd and mushrooms when he goes to work because he hates work so much and he also, a week ago, tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression) I was flabbergasted of course. Just a week ago we talked about how taking drugs is stupid if it‘s not for medical reasons (and even that was a compromise from my side). He agreed with me (while doing drugs daily) AND THEN THE NEXT DAY tried meth.

He had never done any of these things before and did them knowing how i feel about it and did it without considering my feelings. I feel betrayed because he lied to me for 2 months.

At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“. He said that it‘s easy to judge from the outside but i don‘t understand? i always consider him when i do things. I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun.

I would maybe have understood a little bit if he was doing it before we got together but he wasn‘t. He decided to do it and lie to me and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

I am very lonely and i don‘t have anyone but him so I am laying in bed now thinking about what i should do. I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

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After my post the other day, I made the decision to tell my ex that I couldn't be friends, not with her, or her family, that it would be too painful for me, that I would always be trying to be more than what it could be.

But today my mom came in throwing some curveballs. She says that my ex still loves me. The only reason I'm not disregarding this is because her and my ex were close. My mom misses her, maybe not as much as i, but like I do.

She says I shouldn't give up just yet, and if friends is all we can be then that's fine, but keeps urging me to take her to hangout. A detail I left out is that, the week prior to her telling me that romance wasn't an option, she rested her head on my shoulder, but I can't tell what she's saying by that. She even continued doing it after she told me no romance. Maybe I misunderstood her in that she meant no romance right now, my head is a mess, I thought writing this out would make it make more sense.

I came here first to write but I'm about to go ask some of my friends, so don't worry about me using Lemmy too much

Everyone knows relationships are hard work. Everyone knows that relationships hit roadblocks and whatever the fuck else. Fucking why. What's the point? Be with a person that you mostly tolerate most of the days that you exist? And even then, they still might betray you in a horrible way. I've dealt with a lot of pain and stress and loss in my life, and when the happy shit gets sour, I just don't fucking get it. Why not just live my life fucking off and dying eventually.

So my partner and I had always had really good communication. Anytime there were fears, doubts, hard life stuff, etc. We always managed to talk through it in a really healthy way. She was my rock.

About 6-8 months ago she says she's unhappy with her job and her grandfather is really sick so she wants to be close to him before he dies. I say ok I fully support you, let's move out there. I dont want to give too much info but the area is 24 hours of driving from where I have spent my life. I have never been anywhere near there.

So she got a 3 month temp job in the new location that she wanted to use as a networking oportunity. But I couldnt go because we could not affort to break our lease. We texted every day, called on the weekends when she had cell phone service.

I got a promotion with a sweet little relocation package to the new area. So know I knew how much we could spend on housing even if she wasnt working. This is in hindsight where the first red flag was raised. She was completely non commital on any places I showed her.

The plan was for her to come back on the 19th of August and then we'd move together. She hadnt bought a plane ticket. I already have a start date and I have to be in person for my job. She suggested that I just go, then her dad will come and they'll drive out together. Ok whatever. If that's how she wants to do it, then we'll do it. Surely nothing can go wrong here because our relationship was so solid.

I forgot to mention that we talked about staying in a relative's basement as a back up plan. So I ask, "have you talked to them about me staying there? Things are getting down to the wire".

She suggests I reach out to my new manager and ask if there's anybody at work I can stay with... This was the "wtf, is my life about to collapse" moment, or is she just in lala land?

Anyway skipping a head a bit she ends that convo with something along the lines of "we need to talk"

So she calls me and says "Sooo, and maybe you've know this for some time, but I like girls." (I did not know this at all btw. I've never seen her even look at another girl that way). I say "ok, and are we moving together?" She says no, she wants to stay here to "figure things out"

I told her "had you told me this a year ago or even a month ago I would have been your biggest supporter. But you waited until the point where its extremely desctructive to what we have together and to my life in general"

She just said she was sorry over and over. I dont really remember much more.

I'm not even sure if I'm asking for advice here. But moreso wondering if anybody has heard of such a thing before.

I didn't think a relationship with such good communication could ever just be gone so fast with no warning. And we're in our 30s, we're not kids. I can't beleive that she would put me in this situation and now have to move to a place I dont know, with any support I have thousands of miles away. I'm just dumbfounded

Edit: Thank you all so much for your responses. I appreciate all of your perspectives and the effort put into your reponses. It's incredibly helpful to know that I am not alone in this experience. I love you all.

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I know that what I'm about to say might be just something that's wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.

Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I'm sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that's a separate issue and I'm trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I'm a "really fun person to hang out with" and for a second I was happy.

Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn't there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.

Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn't a chance at romance. I wasn't trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it's been bothering me.

How can I promise myself that I won't feel pain each time we hang out, that I won't try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I'm going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won't get that.

Maybe it's the depression, I can't really decide on what I want, I don't know where to go.

Every time I go outside to my yard, my elderly neighbor comes out and tries to talk with me. Every. Single. Time. Without fail. I go out to relax and do gardening and yard work, and his presence makes me increasingly anxious & leaves me feeling particularly uncomfortable/unsafe.

He is dealing with dementia, and has become increasingly vulgar and outspoken, and even made some vastly inappropriate remarks about his wife & my other neighbor while my child was right there.

His wife is tired. I know this. Christ, I would be, too. He was kind of insufferable even before the dementia got bad (think him talking about his shitty political views), but, god.. I am so tired of babysitting him while I try to unwind in my own yard. He'll talk over the fence or simply waltz past it and follow me around while I try to do stuff or as I'm trying to talk to my kid.

One thing I know is this: do not piss off your neighbors, because, chances are, you will probably be living next to them for a looooong time.

What can I do? I just want peace without feeling like I'm being accosted.

Following up on this post https://lemmy.ml/post/18558315 I made not too long ago.

I went on a few more dates with him and I just was feeling similarly unsure. And I’ve felt like I’ve wanted to possibly end things because I was scared about things escalating, like if he asked to be my boyfriend or if we became more intimate. And I did keep feeling like I need to end things.

So I broke it off with him today, and I just broke down crying for like 30 minutes. I’ve never cried over a guy before and I feel like maybe I made a mistake. I didn’t realize my feelings were strong enough to make me cry. But in the moment when I am with him it hasn’t felt like I was feeling much of anything.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on how can I better understand my own feelings in these situations and not be so uncertain. I really feel like I don’t understand my feelings and don’t know what to do based off of that so any advice on how to be more in-tune with my feelings would be appreciated.

Before I get into it, I apologise if this is the wrong instance for this post, I'm pretty new to Lemmy and I haven't managed to find something for break-ups.

For a bit of context, we met in February of this year on OK Cupid. We hit it off, chatted for a few weeks, then met up for a date. Things have been lovely with her. She is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, gentle, pretty, coquette, witty, and the list can go on. Bottom line, I really liked this girl and it wasn't at all hard to begin to fall in love with her right from the start.

I'm in my mid 30s, she's in her late 20s (6 year gap between us), we've had some minor moments of misunderstanding, we discussed things calmly and openly each time and reached mutually beneficial solutions, it was great overall. The only major aspect was the fact that she'd been sexually assaulted by past boyfriends. But we discussed this relatively early on as well, I told her I have no problem with waiting and I meant it, and we agreed to take it slow and just get to know each other. We went on to date at least once a week ever since. I had an awesome time with her, every date was enjoyable and I could feel us becoming really comfortable around one another.

But something started feeling off 3 months in. The dates were still awesome, I still enjoyed spending my time with her, but I started feeling awkward when kissing her, like I didn't really want to. I chalked it up to a rough patch in my own life which left me pretty tired and decided to try to fix things on my end before acting on it in the relationship. I tried to play it cool because I didn't want to worry her. A couple of months passed, I started getting back on track with things, but the awkwardness persisted. It got worse when we decided to go on a vacation together later this year and I realised while buying the plane tickets a week ago that this may be when she'll want to open up physically and that I feel the same kind of awkwardness. A couple of days ago I understood that I loved her deeply, but as a friend, a sister. I don't understand why this shift happened, as I was attracted to her at the start. I thought it may have been because I imposed it upon myself to not give off sex vibes around her so that she won't feel pressured in any way. I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and comfortable around me. 

I realised it would be unfair to her as I would basically be stringing her along in the hopes that something may be reignited, and she deserves much better than that. We had the talk yesterday, she was a bit blindsided by it, even though she said she felt that things were turning platonic, too, but didn't say anything, and that she had this happen before in past relationships, but was as sweet and kind about it as ever. My heart was breaking as I was breaking hers. We both cried a lot, she asked me if I was sure just once, I told her yes, hugged her tightly, and left. 

I feel like a monster. I feel that I've messed up both a great relationship and a wonderful person. I can't even express the remorse I feel about hurting her, I haven't stopped crying since. I am so sorry I hurt her, but I really don't know what else I could have done.

Is there anything I should or could have done differently? Is there anything I could do to make it better now? In the past, every breakup came with a solid reason, like abuse, major lifestyle differences, things like that. But this time it was just breaking a wonderful person's heart because things died down in me for whatever reason. I hate myself because of this...

I’ve gone on 6 dates with this guy and I really like who he is and we have a lot of shared values and similar interests. He’s not the typical type of guy I go for though. But I felt like maybe I’ll just go with what my body is telling me and I want to kiss him and hold hands and stuff, which we have done. But I feel like I’m not sure.

I went over to his apartment yesterday and we were making out on his bed and I was thinking in my head that I hope this doesn’t escalate beyond this. I was scared that I wouldn’t like what I see if he took of his shirt. Or I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to perform if I wasn’t sure how attracted I was to him. It could also be just anxiety because I have not had sex in years (by choice) and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I also don’t have much dating experience outside of first and second dates.

Towards the end of our date I did feel like I just wanted to home, but I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t like him as much as I thought or because I barely got any sleep the night before and we just spent a lot of time walking around.

I previously kept seeing him because of everything I like in him and I thought maybe I don’t have the infatuation sort of feeling but maybe I can develop a slow love over time that might be stronger. I would like to keep seeing him to see how things go going forward, but I don’t want to be leading him on if it’s not going to work.

I was thinking maybe I could communicate how I’m feeling and see if he wants to keep trying or idk. I’m just lost.

/

Is this a big deal or I'm just over thinking it and its normal I'm fine. Their relationship lasted about a year so she's having sex at the age of 13 through her 14. After her ex she's doesn't have any encounter until we met at Freshman of college. She's 18 and I'm 19 at that time. So in summary she have two body counts one on her ex at 13-14 years of age second is me at 18.