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‘An uphill battle’: why are midlife men struggling to make – and keep – friends?
(www.theguardian.com)
this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2025
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Mental Health
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As a straight man, every straight man I've ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively... have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else's problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he's drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don't have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don't have the patience to start to try.
This has also been my experience. Then again, I always had problems dealing with mainstream straight guys, even as a kid. Growing up with untreated AuADHD and being a massive nerd really didn't make things easy. As an adult, it's been really hard to find friends in my own gender/orientation as nearly every one of them that I come across seems to let the mask slip a bit and say or do something very problematic.
So, I decided to drop that cohort and start intentionally socializing with people in more LGBTQ-heavy spaces. It's done wonders for the social anxiety that I developed over years of doing little but work too much. Now I've got some budding friendships with people from all across the LGBTQ+ rainbow and people encouraging me to be emotional vulnerabile (in a healthy way). It's pretty fucking fantastic.
I guess the lesson to learn from this is that straight guys should go to therapy to deal with their problems (and learn more about their emotions) and seek friendship with LGBTQ+ people (and look out for and stand up for them, when they need it).
What spaces would that be? I'm in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recently, have always been the odd one out, mostly interested in nerd stuff, little energy to deal with people... I'd love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I'd prefer actual face-to-face activities)
We are in almost exactly the same boat. Didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until about 7 years ago. Then, once initial ADHD was a bit under control, the ASD side of things became more apparent.
It really depends on your interests. I've had some good success with sex-positive/kink communities (still in an extended initial exploration of the latter). There's a surprising amount of neurodiverse and wonderfully nerdy presence there as well as extraordinary levels of inclusivity. Probably the best places to go looking are event-oriented sites and apps (probably give apps by dating companies a miss).
Even if that isn't quite your thing, I might recommend trying out "Plura" (formerly Bloom, I think), if there's presence in your area. There are a lot of events that pop up that are not sexuality or kink related as well as, at least in my area, frequent free and reasonable cost seminars. These are often covering topics that are of potential use for neurodivergent people as well as more neurotypical people who have experienced trauma and/or, like many straight men, are not very knowledgeable/skilled with their emotions.
Sexuality and kink is right down my alley, I'm just too shy to talk about such topics with strangers. I'm gonna look into it anyway, thank you for your suggestions.
Just find a scheduled non-sexual kink event in your area (like a munch) and pregame with whatever mind altering substance improves your social anxiety enough to walk in the door. I recommend hard Arnold Palmers, since they taste good (or at least okay), contain caffeine to up your energy levels a bit, and are available at most gas stations/liquor stores.
I live near a large city so my options are quite open. I was able to find queer events within that city quite easily. Eventbrite.com has pages and pages of events available for me.
I went to a few that focused on meeting queer people. Halloween parties, board game nights, trivia. You may also find events under neurodiverse labels as well. There would definitely be some overlap with the queer community there too.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me and that was probably the most helpful thing she had done for me.
Hopefully you have some luck, I imagine it would be difficult to find queer communities in less populates areas.
My favorite events, so far. Getting to hang out with new-to-me nerds and play games that I've never heard of is a blast.
Funnily enough, my therapist made similar recommendations. Having not ever fit in well with other cis/het guys, intentionally seeking out people in the queer space and those living alternate lifestyles has been a breath of fresh air.
My reasoning for seeking out that type of therapist came from a situation that happened about a couple years earlier. A former friend and coworker accidentally introduced me to a queer girl. Her and I talked a lot about mental health and became close friends over time.
My former friend was being a creep towards her and I saw how much it affected her when she came eventually forward to tell me about it. We no longer talk to him anymore. It was after both her and her partner asked me to come visit that I came to understand how caring and accepting queer people can be.
When I came back home, I realized I wanted to be treated like a unique individual just like how my friend and her partner treated me. What better place than a queer community where so many others have fought to be their own person. Especially when there's so much social pressure to fit into a single lifeless mould.
Being surrounded by uniqueness gives so much colour to life.
The city I'm living in is not that small, fortunately, so there probably are some options that I just don't know of yet.
Was it hard for you to get into groups? My social anxiety kicks in just thinking about meeting new people, though that likely stems from past experiences with NT folk
I have pretty bad social anxiety but I also am able to let my adhd do the driving. I've travelled and live abroad in foreign places but to my friends and family back home I'm nearly non-verbal. All that to say I feel like I live a very hypocritical life.
I behave differently based on the situation. My first queer social meet up was a bit strange. It was 95% women and I felt completely out of place. I ended up just talking to a guy for most of the night and as I was leaving, ended up meeting a bunch of other people. One of them happened to be going to the same concert as me the following week. We exchanged numbers and now her and I are super close friends.
I generally arrive to these events with an open mind and a genuine smile and that's enough for people to come talk to me. It can feel very intimidating at first but even getting out there at all is a huge step in the right direction. If you don't meet people the first time, there will always be another event. Becoming a regular face also helps other people coming to introduce themselves to you.
I'm awful for going up and introducing myself to others so I look for ways to be more inviting for people to come talk to me. It's not as direct but I've found some wonderful people that way. Whatever works is good enough for me :)