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People nowadays seem to forget that socialising is a skill. And to learn a skill one must learn by putting effort into and initially failing a lot.
Social platforms give the sensation of allowing one to skip this by jumping straight into ongoing conversations for a brief post, but that's also not building any social skill.
There’s no place to socialize though. I wouldn’t know where I could meet people my age (20s) that doesn’t cost money or includes activities that I don’t like (e.g. clubbing).
honestly as much as I feel similarly, it hurts me to know people your age are struggling in such a way.
My 20s were filled with opportunity, things to do, and it didn't even break the bank. My university had a bar connected to the building, I think pints of alright beer were about £1.50.
I really hope things get better soon. Y'all should at least have the options of things like I did, yet half the things around me closed down or are priced out of range now!
There are so many places that cost nothing or very little, especially in Germany. Don't get into the doomer mindset that is so prevalent on the internet, that tell you that it's the same suburban car infested shithole that is north america. There are so many clubs (Vereine) that struggle to find new members, but you're right that you often won't meet too many people around your age, it's mostly older people and children, but that also depends on what the club is for. Be the change you want to see in the world.
Has that changed over the years? Have such places and activities disappeared or gone up in price?
I mean, everything got more expensive. And I do hear that more and more youth centres and such are closing down, taking away places to socialise for young people in particular.
What has disappeared for me personally though is school/uni as a place to socialise at. I’ve never had the need before to search out specific places to meet people. It just happened organically. Now I don’t even know where I‘d even find new people. I’m stuck with just the few I knew back in school and uni and they mostly don’t live anywhere close by.
You're in the awful moment after college. I'm 40 and this happened to anyone I know as well. Older people than me will tell you the same. It really sucks.
So, I'm gonna give a few suggestions where you don't have to spend any money and don't involve clubbing, which is not cheap either.
Plenty of group activities don't cost anything and are the most fulfilling...
Just one quick note. Don't concern yourself too much with age groups. People are organised by age groups in school. Everywhere else the organisation is mutual interests or common goals. And then you'll go there and find people of all ages.
So...
Find projects of your interest where you can volunteer.
If you like animals, give some of your time to local animal shelters and animal associations.
If you want to give Nature a hand, volunteer to go plant trees on the weekend, plenty of groups outthere always asking for more to come.
Check the activities at your local library, most of them are state funded and free of charge to participate in.
The same goes for Cultural Associations. Plenty of them have state funded events that are free of charge to attend.
There are also amateur groups that you can join. Just find anything of your liking. If you like to draw, almost any place has a "drink and draw" event or an Urban Sketchers group. Nobody will care if you don't consume at these events. And if you think you can't draw, nobody cares. People of all levels of skill show up. I know this because I go to them and nobody cares how well you draw. As long as you like drawing, looking at drawings or watching people drawing you're always welcomed at them.
If drawing is not of your interest but you like singing, there's for sure an amateur singing group near you. My girlfriend met a group of funny and energetic elderly ladies this way. She loves their company. And nobody young or old is there to make it to a stage. They just enjoy singing and each other's company.
If you don't like singing but you play an instrument, plenty of Jam sessions around and in some the musicians that play don't pay for their drinks. And the ones where they do, you can just not consume anything. They know you're there to play. But there's a few who even pay some musicians to be there. It's a matter of finding out.
There's dancing groups.
There's film clubs.
There's book clubs.
There's poetry gatherings. A lot of the poetry there will be awful and that's fine. It's part of the charm.
And the reason why I know of all these events I suggested so far is because I go to them and I even help organise some of them with two of my local cultural associations. The next event I'm helping out on is an Animation festival that is now in its fourth annual edition. Although not all, some of the screenings are free. But the ones that aren't are dirt cheap anyways.
These are some examples, there are so many more. And in almost if not all of them you'll find people of all ages, including yours and younger.
Don't go out looking for a romantic partner. Go look for a community. You're also more likely to find a partner in a community of people anyway.
While you were in school, you were in a secluded and rigid environment.
Welcome to the shit.
Where everyone is as clueless as you probably think you are.
Yep, I'm 30 and married and thats how it is. You make friends with old people and married people and all sorts of other people and when people go out for a bite afterwards you join them. And when you do it, yeah you might still want a partner, but you're likely to find that the main source of loneliness was that you lacked a community. And when you've got a community it's a lot easier to find a partner.
Is that due to austerity or something else?
I can't speak for wherever the original commentator ist from. In Germany most youth centres were partly or completely volunteer run. There are fewer people volunteering today, so the centres don't find enough people to open up or supervise events/gatherings. And at some point then they're closing forever.
On that note, looking for a volunteer group near you is also an awesome way to socialise.
Fewer* people
Thanks, I need to practice my English skills a bit. I'm getting rusty.
Rusty you say? 🦀
Any hunch as to why there's fewer volunteers today?
Just some personal anecdotes and comments on the matter.
In my opinion, there appears to be a societal trend towards more egoistical behaviour in people. Whereas in the past, more people strived to work for their greater community and society (at least here in Europe), in the last couple of years American individualism and with that, a more egoistic focus became more prevalent. Many people today wonder why they should give their time freely when they could use it for other interests, paid employment, or (quality) alone time. Even disregarding that some of their hobbies can only be done because others still volunteer their time (sports coaches, etc.).
The "I want to use my spare time for myself" attitude is one of the most heard answers when I am asking people why they won't join us in volunteer work (be it community work or sports).
That makes sense. Thanks for the anecdote!
You see it on dating apps as well. "Uhm, don't even try to start with a "hi" or "how are you?" Be a bit more creative."
When was the last time they met a person? You can be as creative as you want, all i know about you is 3 pictures and a weird attitude.
I have zero money to go out and many formerly free ways to socialize have been commodified beyond my reach. It's not impossible but it takes a lot more time and effort than it used to.
I think the more important issue is that that social media, to an extent, acts as a substitute for face-to-face social interaction - you can talk with online strangers, or all those old classmates and college friends who aren't even living in the same city as you do. Rejection and being awkward sucks, so it's easy to stick with the inferior substitute, but you're still missing out on face-to-face interaction, human touch and meeting potential romantic partners.
I learned that skill but socializing has become too cumbersome in today‘s social landscape where almost everyone is either online on an app that doesn‘t incentivize equal relationships (Think Instagram, Youtube, TikTok) or busy hustling and making insane posts on LinkedIn. Just meeting up is something nobody does anymore it seems.
Why would you require a good socializing skill though? Making this some requirement doesn't seem to solve any issue. Just let people be the way they are. They should still be able to have friends.
It's interesting that you oppose "being yourself" to "socializing skills"...
I am saying that because it seemed to me like you're implying people need to learn and train their socializing skills, even when it's not in their nature.
No no. They only have to, if they want to live in society. If they are fine on their own, there's no need.
If they want to live in society, training is actually the best way to do something that is not "in your nature".
It's not a requirement per se, but people without social skills make contact with others harder. The proliferation of online "meeting places" lead to the degradation of social skills that is then making people connect more difficult, making everyone lonelier.
In my opinion at least.
You exercise skills to be better at them because it gives you a better life. If you’re bad at socialising it might mean you end up with few friends, and that might make you lonely. So you practise socialising to expand your friend group so you won’t be lonely. It sounds like you prescribe to this weird new age “who you are is amazing and you don’t ever need to do any self improvement! If someone doesn’t like you it’s their problem!” No, sometimes it is in fact your problem. None of us are perfect. We can all improve in many ways.
I don't think you're seeing the connection you're making. What I'm saying is why should a socializing skill be a requirement to have friends? That is a basic human need, not something you should have to exercise for.
The same reason being nice to people makes them like you. That’s how humans work. If you’re mean to people they won’t like you. If you’re boring, people don’t find you interesting. If you say inappropriate things, they won’t like it. If your jokes suck, they won’t find you funny. We aren’t born perfectly socialised and wonderful human beings. We learn to become well integrated and liked by others. It’s a critical part of human development.
This is where idealism and reality conflict. It would be lovely if we were born as perfect creatures and everyone liked us. Many people are quite socially gifted. Many of us are not (and I include myself). We can’t force others to like us or spend time with us, so we are forced to work on ourselves and become better. Nicer. Friendlier. Funnier. More interesting. Better at listening. More empathetic. Etc.
That is a different field from social skills.
And I posit that being nice or working on yourself, being funnier, etc. don't make people like you any more. That is not something that matters to most people. They'll dislike you regardless of character, speech, looks or personality.