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what questions do you have but don't feel you can ask trans people? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 2 weeks ago by dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.

Mostly I'm interested in what people are holding back.

The questions I've been asked IRL:

why / how did you pick your name?
how long have you known?
how long before you are done transitioning?
how long do you have to be on HRT?
is transgender like being transracial?
what do the surgeries involve?

For the most part, though, I get silence - people don't want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.

If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.

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[–] NotJohnSmith@feddit.uk 14 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (3 children)

Ok, this could really help us.

A friend's now-daughter made it very clear what her new gender/name/pronouns were - great.

A neighbour seems to be transitioning to female but hasn't in any way offered new pronouns.

We want to be supportive but not intrusive. Is it better to use "they" until they initiate/clarify? My wife said she'd ask their partner but I feel that's trying to lead the conversation and could be pushing them before they're ready.

Thanks

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Yes, they is a good default for anyone you don't know the pronouns of, in general. And it's great that you care about doing what's right already!

[–] NotJohnSmith@feddit.uk 2 points 2 weeks ago

Sorry for the slow reply. Thanks for your advice - it really helps as I'm very keen not to be a bystander in supporting trans rights in my country. It seems we're at a tipping point and I want to be on the right side of history.

I had a rather ridiculous conversation with family just this week where an older aunt declared they couldn't support "her" work colleague as "she" had indicated "she" would now like male pronouns. I ensured every incorrect pronoun received 2 correct ones until she knew she wouldn't be allowed to get away with it :)

[–] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

The way to approach this is to make it absolutely clear that you're supportive. Use "they/them". Tell your neigbour about your friends kid and how happy you are for them etc. And then just follow their lead. They'll tell you what they need when they're comfortable doing so, but you've just made it a lot easier for them to get to that point

[–] NotJohnSmith@feddit.uk 1 points 2 weeks ago

Thanks @ada, will do. This is very reassuring as I was concerned we were slipping from supportive into nosey! :)

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (1 children)

You don't want to stigmatize or make assumptions, so it's best to let people determine what they disclose and when, and to just respect people's pronouns and self-identification.

Unfortunately nothing is universal, they/them can sound like a great way to politely handle the ambiguity, and it can still accidentally make someone feel bad, even if it's reasonable and ultimately their fault for not disclosing their pronouns.

It sounds like your mindset and intentions are good, so just keep going with that - signalling you are trans-supportive will make people feel more safe and willing to disclose around you, but in the meantime just let people come to you and disclose. Using neutral language in the meantime is just a bonus!

[–] NotJohnSmith@feddit.uk 1 points 2 weeks ago

So sorry for the slow reply - camping without mobile signal is a double edged sword! :)

Great advice, and very consistent with another couple of responses so thank you