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what questions do you have but don't feel you can ask trans people? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 2 weeks ago by dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.

Mostly I'm interested in what people are holding back.

The questions I've been asked IRL:

why / how did you pick your name?
how long have you known?
how long before you are done transitioning?
how long do you have to be on HRT?
is transgender like being transracial?
what do the surgeries involve?

For the most part, though, I get silence - people don't want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.

If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.

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[–] AnEye@lemmy.ml 2 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Thanks for the fast and detailed reply!

I think we can’t choose to be binary or non-binary, just like cis people can’t choose to suddenly be the opposite sex and be trans.

I think it's a bit more complex. I agree that there's clearly a deep-seated aspect of identity below consciousness that can't simply be changed through conversion.

On the other hand, I fit neatly into one of the two main sexes and most of my behavior comfortably fits the gender associated with it. Most people would consider me a plain old cis, so people don't ask me about my gender. I casually identify as non-binary but this is ultimately political or philosophical, I don't feel uncomfortable with the gender imposed on me by society, but nor does it feel validating or "right". I just see the gender binary and its two genders as a factually incorrect model. If someone misgendered me, I'd only be offended if it was meant as an insult. If I crossdress, I don't feel right or wrong. (I might be nervous that some idiot on the street will be offended and bother/attack me, but that's external, that's a society issue, not a me issue.)

And I wonder if this is a social product of my family and friends (relatively progressive, less traditional/religious, laid-back) or if, like you suggested, there's a biological element to this which just isn't strong in me, like how some asexual people are missing the sexual drive that most people have, perhaps I'm missing some gender link that is 'normal'.

So, maybe my own experience leads me to be ignorant about experiences like yours, where gender identity is affirming.

While I can see there are many problems with gender, I don’t think trans people should feel primarily responsible for those problems.

I agree, certainly not! I hope I didn't come of as suggesting binary identity was a horrible sin. I admit I'm being particular and nitpicky, even idealistic with this question. And exactly as you said we should grant trans people space in their struggle, which is in many cases a struggle for survival.