you know, i feel like you were very heavily affected by being called out about this comment. i'm not sure i fully understand why, but it seems like the accusation of being a dick and being aphobic really bothered you. and you are certainly correct that they could have more clearly (and nicely) worded their intention check. it would have been nice for them to have said something like, "hey, your comment is coming off kind of aphobic to me, could you clarify your intentions?" instead

i think, the trouble with flippant comments on the internet, is that (without a lot of extra work), you have a pretty hard time ensuring that your comments are interpreted correctly. i think we can agree that this is largely a misunderstanding, right? at least, by how much you've emphasizing reading comprehension, i hope we can agree on this

and i don't think they were misinterpreting it at you. does that make sense? like, i think their intention was fairly straightforward ("i don't want to allow what is possibly aphobia without calling it out"). again, they could have worded it in a clearer and kinder way. but i think that intention, at its heart, is a decent one. i don't believe their intention was like, "i'm going to misinterpret this on purpose to antagonize you"

and i'm not trying to make you come off as a bastard here. i empathize with you a lot, it sucks to make an offhand comment and have it blow up into a shitstorm like this. it's ass, and i've been there before. a lot

honestly that's why i'm writing this, because in retrospect, i wish someone had told me to chill the fuck out (directed at my past self, not you)

the other reason i'm writing this, and the reason i'm not writing to the commenter, is because you are the one who signed up for a site whose only rule is "be(e) nice"

i can tell you're actually genuinely trying here, and i want to recognize that, and also say that you can do better

"i'm being nicer than i could be" is such a shitty, self-destructive path to go down. this is the same shit parents use to justify abusing their kids in different ways than they were abused growing up, only to look back and realize in horror that what they were doing was still abusive

the rule is not "be(e) nice when someone is nice to you"

the rule is "be(e) nice"

and i hope you believe that you can do it. i know it's fucking hard. i know it takes so much restraint. i'm lucky that a lot of my worst bullshit was on reddit and it's been nuked since the migration. it's taken years for me to get to the point where i get a spicy reply and don't go full aggro on their ass in response. but i did it and you can do it, too

and i think that's so important to develop. not just for others, but for yourself. i think signing up for beehaw says something about you, that you value kindness and you want to be better at it. that you want to be a person who gets a spicy reply and can still treat it with reasonable intentions. that you don't want to perpetuate the cycle of people endlessly escalating arguments on the internet

if you need help, i'm happy to help. if you want to throw a draft my way for a first pass, go for it. if you need anger management techniques, i got em. i believe in you and i'm happy to put my money where my mouth is in terms of supporting you

anyways, i hope something in my long ass post reaches you. i hope you can tell, i really genuinely don't want this for you

oh, and just to make it clear: i'm not advocating for letting yourself get walked on. but you can definitely stand up for yourself and be kind about it at the same time

They directly called me a dick and aphobic, and you’re telling me to be nice? I WAS being nice in comparison to what I could have said in response.

well, respectfully: your comment is kind of dickish and does read--if not as aphobic--at minimum as being flippant about something people just are. if you don't want it to come off that way, you probably should have led with being demi.

as a mod: i pretty distinctly side with @fracture@beehaw.org here, nor do i particularly blame @lolcatnip@reddthat.com.