Not *Not* the Onion

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter.

“We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while some may find the limit aggravating, he hoped the new rule would ensure a more orderly experience for all players in attendance.