I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that "gay" men (men who didn't conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the "conform or fucking die" model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can't meet anyone because I'm frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can't function this way. I'm not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can't be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I'm too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we're talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it's not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I feel that a good therapist could help you work through this fear of going outside. You may not find one locally that vibes with you. Televisits are how I meet with mine. Beyond that, do you have a friend that you could travel with? Columbus is pretty progressive, and you could visit other cities with strong queer communities which could help you build confidence that going out into the world is not as dangerous for you as the close-minded people have conditioned you to believe. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, so they say (this may sound unrealistic when you're at the very beginning of your journey to a better life, but you may find it to be true if you keep putting yourself out there as much as you can tolerate).
Other than that, I can say with certainty that there are women out there who are attracted to men like you. Ironically, you might find them in gay bars. I happen to be a woman like this, and apparently through high school dated boys who eventually came out of the closet (though not because of them not exactly fitting the traditional straight male persona, but because they were gentle and kind and witty and smart and a little bit sassy). This was early 90s in a very very religious and conservative area somewhat straight south from you, so I may relate in some way to the hate you've experienced. Those boys may have known all along about their sexuality and were masking, but at least one of them didn't figure it out until after he was married to a woman.
Anyway, I find I am way more comfortable in a gay bar setting, just not so much on ladies' night, lol. And not just in a gay bar but also in the day to day queer spaces where acceptance is pretty much infused throughout the environment. Those places exist, and you would be welcome there.