depression_now!

First of all I learned that I was an "emotional dumper", I'm like a fan that spits out things that are vile and putrid. Can't finish a sentence without linking it to an established narrative that I have in my head.

Ever since I learned about that, I feel really closed off. Like I can't talk to anyone any more. I don't wanna hurt people, in any way shape or form. But I have so much on my mind, 24/7, I don't know where to go.

I feel terrible, I had to face my relatives today, and it was absolutely vile. I can't face the outside world anymore, everything reminds me of how much I hate this place, its people, its customs, its food, everything.

I can't look at a. fucking. tree, anymore. Glass half empty half full? More like when I look at a tree, i find some trash below it, or I look at the wasteland that surrounds it, and I make myself feel terrible.

Hmmm. But isn't interesting how this tree can survive in such a fucked up environment? I wish I was a tree, trees have always been symbolized as wise, caring, and gentle. Cut their branches, scribble your name on them, pick their fruit. It just keep growing...

But trees can be cut, burned, plucked by a storm, or become sick. Some trees can grow back, but not this tree. Not me.

I know I already made a post here, and I still remember Noodel's advice about being happy that today's brand of agony won't repeat again. But the future is still bleak.

For the last 7 days, 7 weeks, 7 months, I have felt nothing but dread and agony. At the first 1-3 months I was completely fucked, I wasn't hungry, and wasn't thirsty too, which really blew me away. To this day the only reason I get out of bed, it's because I want to go to the bathroom. That's how everyday starts, with discomfort that I have to deal with. Too much sweat, my breath stinks, I need to go to the bathroom. It's like I'm not even living anymore, just a set of instructions, simple if statements.

Last 7 days were already very rough. I was only able to hang in there with the help of some Matrix folks (which was very nice), and listening to music while dancing, like dancing very dangerously, last night I nauseated myself to sleep. It doesn't work anymore. I feel hollow, transparent, the colors are grey, again.

I love the wholesome community here on lemmy, it helped me get through so much. But nothing works anymore, "Nothing" that I know of any way.

I am trying really hard to make this not devolve into a rant about everything and everyone, but I also want to write how I feel, I am not writing an essay, from my mind to the little Lemmy box.

I have been trying to reach out so many times, anything, anyone. Nothing. Music is a really big thing to me, and even music doesn't work anymore. And I'm just repeating myself.

The fibromyalgia pain still continues, 3 days ago I felt absolutely terrible, this time I felt the pain in my knuckles.

Back again on Noodle's advice, I know that today's brand of agony is gone, but also, I will feel it again. And again, and again. Every time I get a cold, or food poisoning, the only way to comfort myself is to say "It will happen again". I will get sick again, and again, and again, and again, and again. It will never stop. I still have my condition, I'm still in my country, I am still me.

What am I supposed to enjoy? Breathing? Blinking? Am I missing something here?+

As I'm writing this, I'm trying so hard to reach out everywhere, tendrils of my mind spread everywhere, spreading their poison, hurting the next unsuspecting person. And for what? I know that it will happen again. People will reply to this, and I will reply back, and I might feel good for a while, like last time.

But "It will happen again", pain and the marching of time are my only constants, the only things I can depend on.

See you next week, month, year. This isn't the last of me. I go deprive myself of sleep, so that I may feel some semblance of "good" again.