Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
- Please follow the rules of the lemmy.blahaj.zone instance.
- Bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated.
- Gatekeeping will not be tolerated.
- Please be kind and respectful to all.
- Please tag NSFW topics.
- No NSFW image posts.
- Please provide content warnings where appropriate.
- Please do not repost bigoted content here.
This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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You just do it, basically.
It's legitimately scary but you get used to it and it gets less scary. You just put one foot in front of the other, focus on what is right in front of you, and you lean on whoever is in your life and will support you.
I remember feeling so extremely vulnerable and scared when I first socially transitioned and sitting down to google "how to deal with feeling so vulnerable". It really is overwhelming, I remember that. The first time I left my house in a dress, I thought I was going to be killed in the street. Just going out dressed as a woman and not being harassed or even noticed was really helpful for helping reduce my fears, it was exposure therapy - the more I did it, the less afraid I felt for next time.
This is a side note, but you are very young, and getting on HRT sooner vs later is an issue of harm reduction - I would highly recommend prioritizing that. I picked my chosen name when I was still a teenager, but didn't medically transition for decades after that - the regret is enormous, and this is a common and tragic story with trans people, so I always urge anyone to start HRT ASAP.
In the right doses and route of administration, HRT can help immensely, esp. with depression.
It does get better ๐ซ
I'm really unsure about the medical stuff right now bc of the politics situation even if I live in a blue state though and it feels like so much bigger of a hurdle too because it costs money and I am also not ready to like deal with my parents even though im out to them still
I understand your concerns. Now is a dangerous time to be trans. But keep in mind, it's also dangerous to have the wrong hormones.
I second dandelion's stance on this. Start HRT as soon as possible. I didn't start on HRT until my 30s and my only regret is not starting sooner. Do not delay.
The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.
This is a good point, I fully socially transitioned 3 months before I medically transitioned, and it did not help me at all pretty much compared to the impact of estrogen. tbh I wish I had started estrogen immediately by any means necessary, and then approached social transition more carefully or at a later date - living as a visibly trans person is stressful, but you can take estrogen without social transition and get a lot of the benefits without all the risks, and then transition once you are basically already passing.
(In my case, I forced myself to socially transition in every sphere of my life because otherwise I was worried I would be in the closet the rest of my life and never medically transition or prioritize my needs, and I would go back to being the miserable suicidal person I had become, so I still stand by that choice - but it was rough, I won't lie.)
I mostly waited until HRT to transition socially. I was presenting fem privately at home for quite some time before HRT. I took an approach of go fem with plausible deniability until the point I felt ready to start pursuing HRT. When I needed new clothes I would buy woman's versions of the clothes I already wore. Nice button down shirt, but this has the buttons backwards. Not a detail anyone notices, but felt better.
The first time I went out wearing a dress was after about a month on HRT. Wasn't really out, wanted to see if anyone would figure it out. It was very strange, I got so many compliments on my outfit, but not on the dress itself, just the other parts of the outfit. It was confusing.
I compared the text message conversations with my wife from the second month of HRT to the year before, and the difference was night and day. The first coworkers I came out to were those who noticed the change in mood and asked follow up questions.
of course it's your call, and I recommend getting a trans-affirming psychologist who has worked with trans patients to help you work through this as well.
HRT is less of a big deal than it seems, though, and it has huge benefits for mental health, as well as helping prevent the body from further androgenizing. My body became much more male in my 20s, and it gets harder and more expensive to solve later - it's much better if you can get on the right hormones now.
The changes are slow anyway, you don't have to tell anyone you are on estrogen, and coming out to your parents is the worst of it anyway - taking estrogen is entirely consistent with being a woman, there should be nothing surprising about it to anyone you have come out to.
EDIT: if your parents care about your health, give them the medical and scientific evidence that shows HRT saves lives and has better outcomes than nearly any other medical treatment: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/
This isn't controversial, and if they care about you, they will want you to be alive and healthy - this is a matter of your well-being, both now and for the rest of your life.
EDIT2: regarding politics, coming out and living as a visibly trans person is harder and riskier than taking estrogen and conforming to cis norms by having a body that passes - and you have a better chance of passing if you start HRT now than if you delay. In my perspective, the politics are exactly why you would want to be on HRT, to pass as cis ASAP and avoid the possibility of not passing in a society that makes good on its genocidal promises, and where the violence and targeting is happening primarily to people who appear gender non-conforming (whether they are trans or not). I live as a cis woman now, after only a year or two on HRT - being so young, it will be easier for you than me.
Im ngl I know for a fact my parents arent homophobic because my.sister is lesbian it's just that I don't want to deal with explaining to them that I'm on hrt and I feel like I would need bc they're still paying for my insurance
again, I suggest talking to a therapist about this, but I think if you sit down and consider the life-long consequences of delaying HRT against the known benefits, I don't think not wanting to tell the parents who are likely accepting (and that you have already come-out to) won't seem like a great reason to delay later.
Spend some time thinking about this, but do please be aware of the consequences of delaying HRT. The depression can be caused by having the wrong sex hormones. We wouldn't tell a diabetic to live without insulin, we wouldn't expect a cis person to live on opposite sex hormones - it's no different for you.
What exactly are the consequences? Also like there's still a lot of imposter syndrome because I havent done any social transitioning besides name and gender neutral pronouns which makes me really unsure if I want to do hrt
It varies from person to person, but there are many.
For the body, androgens continue to masculinize the body:
There are also potential the mental side effects:
I also saw more hypervigilance, OCD like behavior, and scrupulousness that all reduced when I started estrogen.
(Edited To Add: Also, in trans populations, risks of drug abuse are much higher, and the empirical evidence shows among other benefits, drug abuse is reduced by medical transition.)
Imposter syndrome is very common, I experience it as well, I think tbh most of us experience it.
I completely understand you have to approach this at your own pace, and HRT probably feels scary and very permanent, but not taking HRT also creates permanent changes. You can even try HRT as a trial and as a diagnostic step, for the first 3 months there are no permanent changes from estrogen, and after that the only permanent change is the forming of breast buds that may not go away fully after (though this technically could be solved with surgery later, and surgery might be more required if you don't take HRT young anyway).
This video playlist was important to me figuring out I was trans, and also encouraging about HRT - maybe you will find it helpful?
Also helpful:
Thank you for the info. I originally thought that the body changing stuff just ended once you become an adult kind of like puberty and knowing that is really helpful. For the mental stuff I already have the first 3 and some other issues but I really don't want night terrors if that's a common issue so I'll try to do it soon. Also I have already read the dysphoria bible and I reread specific sections when I have imposter syndrome to reassure me but thank you anyway <3
some changes like limb length and bone structure seem to set during puberty, but the body continues to masculinize - I didn't have the ability to grow a beard until sometime in my 20s and it's costing me many thousands of dollars to get it removed now - it's much easier to prevent than to have to later correct with painful and expensive procedures
likewise with the voice - it continues to deepen over a lifetime, actually - men in their 70s have deeper voices than they had in their 40s, androgens continue to impact the vocal folds.
i honestly was misgendered frequently as a teenager and in my early 20s, but I was male passing sometime in my mid 20s due to the deepening of my voice and the presence of a beard shadow.
It's a nightmare to be stuck in a male body, and even without the body impact, it's a serious liability with the mental health - rolling the dice on suicide is extremely reckless, it's ultimately what forced me to transition at all, I was suicidal and my behavior was hurting the people who cared about me.
Night terrors for me were much more common on testosterone, as well as parasomnias in general, and went away on estrogen. I don't know how common they are for others, but I've heard of others having it even though it's not universal.
Your brain might need estrogen, and you will probably want to not have a man's body - so while you're still a boy is the best time to act to prevent that. The next best time is as soon as you can, lol - you can definitely transition later in life, I did it and many do, but it is better to be on estrogen earlier if possible.
I'm sorry to advocate so much for this, I don't want to cause distress, I just want to make sure you are informed and are able to make responsible choices - but I should be clear, it's your choice ultimately, and nobody can make this choice for you.
What resources would you recommend specifically for figuring out how to get hrt? I am more willing to take the steps after learning how important it is but I still am unsure especially because as far as I know unless you do diy which is risky you have to go through the medical system which takes really long and also has diagnosis and also that migjt not be a great idea to me bc of current politics
So, a few things: DIY is not as risky as it sounds, it's a grey market and last time I checked, you can often just buy the stuff you would have been prescribed, i.e. lab-made, pharmaceutical-grade, FDA-regulated estrogen - but a lot of people buy vials that are compounded not by professional labs, which does carry more risk obviously, but those vials are occasionally tested and there haven't been any major incidents or risks as far as I know - so the consensus seems to be that DIY is safe and effective, and you should absolutely consider it an option.
However, since you're in the U.S. there is absolutely no need to go DIY when you can get it through a Rx. There are no mandatory wait times for estrogen in the U.S., you don't usually have to even have a letter from a psychologist. I personally called my primary care physician and told them I have gender dysphoria, and they sent a referral to an endocrinologist I had found that treats trans patients. I did have a three month wait to see the endo, and that is a time I wish I could have gone back and been on DIY while waiting, but when I saw the endo, he prescribed me estrogen that day and I went to a pharmacy and had it filled same-day.
Some IRL friends just go to Planned Parenthood, who have doctors you can see and who operate on an informed consent model, which means you don't need a letter but you can just consent to taking HRT.
As far as diagnosis, those medical records should be private but I absolutely understand the concern. You will need a proper diagnosis for some procedures to be covered by insurance, so something to consider is the long term there - you may not be able to avoid a diagnosis forever depending on your medical needs, but with the Trump admin trying to force hospitals to turn over records I can understand the concern.
Regardless, this is where I would connect with your local trans community and ask which doctors they see. I used to live in the South where trans healthcare was banned for minors, but if you knew the right people, you could still find doctors who would treat patients. One of the ways this is achieved is by the doctors using a different diagnosis code, for example. I have also heard of doctors offering to delete or scrub references to the diagnosis from the medical chart.
So this is a discussion to have with your local trans community and with the doctors they recommend - you may be surprised at what they can do to help you and what your options are. And if that falls through, DIY is a safe, effective, and reasonable alternative (despite how sus it may seem).
And regardless, I think the politics again shouldn't drive you away from treatment, but towards it - concerns about diagnosis are wise and worthwhile, but if your fear of a diagnostic record existing means living as a visibly trans person for longer, the real risks of delayed treatment might be greater on the streets than the potential risks of a medical record existing and later implicating you. Realistically, once we are at the level that a gender dysphoria diagnosis in your private medical records are a direct risk to your safety more than not being cis-passing, you should realistically be fleeing the country.
It might also be tempting to think you can avoid persecution by just not transitioning, but the reality is that you can't choose to be trans, and whether you transition or not won't change the fact of your gender dysphoria - among your options, living without care is one of the worst ones, and the risks from transitioning are overall still lower.
Any idea how I could find some trans communities irl? I live in a city but I don't know how to look for those types of groups and this is sort of the first time I've gone and actually not lurked and said something on a specifically trans community
In most cities, there are major pride and LGBT+ organizations (look for the people who organize the local pride parades, for example), and some of those are bound to have a trans support group that meets. That's how I got connected to my local trans community - through pride organizations like that, and trans support groups they hosted.
Trans folks I met through support groups could be really toxic sometimes, it's not like everyone you meet will be great - but often the organizers in the local community will be responsible and able to connect you to resources and the right people.
Also, when I lived in the South, there was actually something like a trans version of a green book, basically a guide to providers in different categories that are safe for trans people - that's how I found my endocrinologist, in the Trans in the South Guide. Sometimes these guides exist for places outside the south as well, so worth googling to find if there are any LGBT+ guides or directories for where you live. I find they're less common in blue states, because the need is strongest in places like the south where risks are higher and there are far fewer people willing to treat trans patients.