Transfem

I also transitioned later in life, I highly recommend it.

Particularly I recommend estrogen injections and some method of blocking testosterone - this is what had the most profoundly positive impact for me, personally. (In the end, an orchi ended up being necessary for me, I never found a method with just HRT that perfectly blocked the testosterone and gave me a stable mood - I loved high doses of estrogen, but it did make me feel more which was not always adaptive, and my body seemed to occasionally produce enough testosterone that I became depressed and cloudy-headed, etc. - symptoms that went away after my orchi. That doesn't seem to be everyone's experience though, so your mileage may vary.)

wtf am I supposed to do with this?

well, now is a good time to find a therapist (ideally someone who is well qualified, with a PhD in psychology) who has worked with other trans patients and who is also trans-affirming

How do I find out for sure?

Depends on how "for sure" is "for sure" - there is no blood test, and as far as I know, no objective way to be certain you are trans. However, if you have a desire to be a woman but you were assigned male at birth, that sounds pretty trans. The therapist should help rule out edge cases.

A common test is to consider whether you would press a button that will permanently change you into a woman. Usually cis men would not want to press the button.

Also, another way to get clear on being sure is to consider the "null hypothesis", if you aren't trans, then you have to be cis. Cis men don't generally question or think about their gender, they are happy in a male body, they are comfortable with he/him pronouns being used for them, titles like "Mister" don't bother them, they are happy wearing men's clothes, adjectives like "handsome" don't feel wrong, etc. - for me it was clear I wasn't a cis man, so that made it more clear that I was probably a trans woman (in addition to the fact that I wish I had just been born as a woman, I felt like it was obvious anyone would feel this way, which made it hard for me to recognize cis men really do exist who don't wish they were women).

Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I’m not attracted to men?

Yes, there are many trans lesbians - I'm bi, but I am mostly interested in women, so I consider myself a lesbian. (It may feel weird to use that label now, but I found transitioning and embodying womanhood more helped me feel more comfortable identifying that way - acceptance takes time).

Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life?

Yes, absolutely you can come out - but whether it will ruin your life is somewhat contextual. Trans women do experience lots of discrimination and unemployment - you might lose your job, so be smart. If your job is not trans friendly, you might not come out at work, or you might begin to look to change jobs to a workplace that is more trans friendly. A path plenty of trans women take is to start estrogen and transition secretly, and then socially transition once they pass. This can give a chance to organize the social transition so it is less disruptive, and to "cut over" into a new life as a woman full-time.

However, that's not how I did it at all - I socially transitioned as soon as my egg cracked, and I wasn't able to access hormones for months and it was excruciating. I socially transitioned up front because I thought social transition was a practical step I could take that might help me, and so that I would force myself out of the closet and not be tempted to never transition as a result.

I didn't lose my spouse, my job or any friends, but I did lose some family (mostly people who weren't the best to me before I transitioned, tbh - but it still hurts). I might be a bit unusually lucky in this regard.

I’m jealous of the youth, being old sucks.

people transition at all ages - I have a friend IRL who transitioned in her 40s (and who looks great and is much happier, despite losing her marriage). There are trans people who transition even later in life, in their 70s even. It's never too late to transition.

I thought I would never pass because of how old I was when I transitioned, but within a year I was passing. It varies heavily, but you don't know how you will look, you have to walk the walk and see.

But yeah, being "old" sucks (the only thing worse is waiting and transitioning even later)

See also: !translater@lemmy.blahaj.zone

Some resources for you:

• Gender Dysphoria Bible
• Transition Channel videos (these videos cracked my egg and made me seriously consider I might really be trans)
• Whipping Girl by Julia Serano (and Sexed Up as well)
• Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet
• “What Does the Scholarly Research Say about the Effect of Gender Transition on Transgender Well-Being?”
• An Introduction to Hormone Therapy for Transfeminine People