this post was submitted on 24 Sep 2025
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Sadly this is not uncommon. First thing I would find out is if your partner expects your disability to be "cured" often because ND is not visible and there are some medicines that treat aspects the assumption is made that it can be cured.
If you are in that sort of situation I would strongly suggest couples therapy, I often have to describe my ND as my invisible wheelchair. I will spend my life in it, I cant fix it, but I can build skills and tools that help me live a more normal life but I will always need support.
We have tried therapy. I even tried to get her to join me with mine. In short my therapist said she is cold.
She says I use ADHD as a crutch to get out of doing things or to attempt to absolve myself of my wrongdoings. She does not want to provide me with accommodations because I am an adult and should have the ability to work around my deficiencies and not force her to do more.
Well, how do you deal with situations when you have a lapse of diligence? While it may not be your "fault" that certain things happen, you must still take responsibility for those things.
Ok, so I spent some serious time last night thinking about this and I wanted to start with a question and see if this is a more productive tract.
Who is responsible for taking out the trash, when is trash day, and when a trash can is full or nearly full but its not trash day who takes it out?
Do I have more than one personality and im just talking to myself?
j/k
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book I recently read this book and while its not specifically around ND and ADHD it really helped me understand the position my partner was in as the "default" We also found a couples therapist that specializes in ADHD.
Its not a crutch to get out of things, but if you are letting things default to your partner it will feel like that. This book and method might help.
I found that therapists tend to focus on helping resolve her issues with me and disregard my issues with her, even if they are related. I haven't felt heard in our therapy sessions. One therapist we tried even started our first session with a comment on how they generally agree with the wife.
I think it is because my wife complains about common issues that women face. The problem is that her issues are overblown or untrue. She still gets sympathy and focus.
My therapist has seen the cold side I see; however, no one else has. My sister-in-law is beginning to notice things, but she still suggests that I change, rather than asking her to.
I often thought the same thing, until I really took the time to understand the core of the resentment. Turns out it was not overblown or untrue, just that I did not really have the perspective.
Thats not to say that she is not part of the problem in my case, but the things that I was denying were not her fault, and I was totally blind to them in part because of my ND but also because of the blanket patriarchy and privilege i was raised in.