I just moved from the US to a small European country and it's much more of a mixed bag than you could imagine.

I don't want to dox myself too much, but I moved from a very tech-centric city to a smaller nation that's not going to be one of your 1st or probably even 2nd guesses.

I didn't move due to politics, although I'd be lying if I said they didn't have an iron grip on my thoughts as I spent too much time unemployed. It was the tech industry that did me in. I had spent the past decade clawing my career out of the gutter only to have it slam-dunked right into the dumpster by a bunch of gormless tech CEOs who don't see the value in anything. I would've happily stayed and voted, fought and gone down with the whole fascist ship to protect my trans, queer, and minority friends. But I seriously doubted my ability to continue to support myself in that environment, nevermind anyone else.

Maybe these are all just excuses, but when it came time to consider relocating, tearing myself out by the roots and losing all my friends and connections for the sake of finding someplace new I could afford to support myself, I cast a wider net than all that. There was no place in the US I wanted to be more, so I looked further.

And still the opportunities came up short. Everywhere is hurting. I took my modest savings and started a college program. It was an "easier" foot in the door and a chance to upskill myself and hopefully compete better in the market (so I hope, so I tell myself). I cannot stress how difficult and expensive every step of this process has been.

You can tell yourself it doesn't matter, but for as long as I live I'll never outrun the guilt or shame for what ultimately feels like a very selfish action. My therapist says I need to treat this as a reward for positioning myself in a way so as to even be able to take advantage of an opportunity like this, but that really sugarcoats it. There's no even guaranteeing this will pay off. There's no guarantee I eventually find a job or stay here, I may well end up back in the States, only this time without any of the possessions I gave up to get here.

You can't take stuff. I mean not unless you're RICH. It's just costly and takes so much time and effort. Are you going to pay to keep it in storage while you're gone? With the intent that you might never be back? Shipping things over is subject to so much regulation, I couldn't even take my computer with me, they turned it down at the airport and I had to send it home with family. Maybe they'll be able to ship it for me some day. In the end I was giving things away, throwing the last bits of my life into the dumpster just to be able to close out the apartment.

So much paperwork. ALL OF THE PAPERWORK! And so little guidance and no guarantees. I'm still waiting on things to be finalized and while there's no reason they shouldn't be, that uncertainty hangs over my head like a knife. Living on savings for now and they'll hold awhile, but inflation has hit here pretty hard, too. Everything is expensive. And now I'm so much farther away from any support systems I may have had.

I don't want to sound too thankless, this has been a wonderful opportunity. I love getting to see a new country and acclimate to a new culture. My head is a bit clearer without having all the politics cluttering it up but I assure you watching things from afar while I still have so many friends and family affected is no comfort at all.

It's not an easy out. It's not a golden ticket. For a lot of people it's just not an option at all. I'll die furious at what they've done to me, to my life, to my friends and everyone I love, to my country. Best I can hope for is some day I have more to bring home for the fight ...