That's a fair request. Just keep in mind that you asked for this. You asked!

My partner has an Amazon account that we occasionally use for purchases. A few months back, I saw this absolutely bullshit item listed for a stupidly high price, so I left it a brief but scathing review. After hitting submit, I had an invitation to join something I'd never heard of before: Amazon Vine.

I learned Vine is a program where sellers can offer up "free" (I pay income tax on the estimated value) things to people in exchange for reviews. Honest reviews. Never before have I handed out so many one- and two-star reviews and they love me for it. I get three things per day with a maximum value of $100 each. It was really cool at first! I picked up all those weird little gadgets that I had considered buying but never really wanted enough to spend the money. Eventually, though, I ran out things I wanted, plus the looming tax debt was growing, so I decided to be more strategic about my acquisitions.

One thing I frequently saw was dildos. Some days I saw more dicks than a urologist. Oh, and the variety! Double sided, single sided, with and without suction cups. With and without balls! Big, small, long, short, thick, and thin. White, black, brown, pink, green, red, orange, blue, and clear. Monster dicks, dog dicks, horse dicks, dragon dicks, an alien dick that lays eggs, a dick coming out of a rose, a rose that looks like a dick, a 16" dick with a bendy internal skeleton (it has a knee!!!), a dick with an electric clit nibbling mouth, an octopus tentacle, a monster tentacle, even a multi-lobed, size graduated ass blaster.  The best part? They all have a tax value of $0. No tax! 100% free dick! So now I have the dildo bucket: a bog-standard 5 gallon bucket full of dildos. I try to nab as many dildos as I can each day to fill the bucket. 

When you have this many dildos, the world is your fuck oyster. When my partner or I unbox a new shipment, we prank each other with them, hiding them throughout the house. They hid a 12" black dildo somewhere two weeks ago and I still have no idea where it's at. Just the other day, they refused to wake up from a nap on time. Dildo to the face! They woke up. I made a tasteful succulent arrangement with a big black cock right in the middle. Friends or family coming into town? Give them the gift of a dildo forest hiding in their shower, 30+ suction cup dildos gently swaying in welcome. I plan to hide a dildo up my neighbor's truck's exhaust pipe - don't worry, we're friends. Potato launcher? Cock cannon!

The possibilities are truly infinite.

@bunnyBoy@pawb.social Here's much more than you asked for. Sorry - people are selected for Vine, you can't apply.