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I'm 8 months out of a 15 year marriage... and I still care. (lemmy.one)
submitted 1 year ago by BlinkerFluid@lemmy.one to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I'm following a guidebook on divorce.

My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn't love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she's still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It's not even as-if there's a void, it's a gaping hole through to the other side.

I don't know if she's dead. I don't know if she's ok. I don't know anything, and I'm afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I'd never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It's a divorce. It's what you do, isn't it?

I just want her to know it wasn't so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but... why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?

It's just a waste of time, isn't it? We should just move on, but... can I? 15 years. I'm 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I'm stuck on her being ok. I don't even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she's ok.

She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I'd know how she is, I guess, but she'd have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.

Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. "Just don't think about it!" Easy talk...

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[-] shasta@lemm.ee 2 points 1 year ago

A no-contact situation is the best way to "rewind the clock" and pretend it never happened. But it's totally fine to accept your past, understand that you're both different people now who are simply incompatible, and move on with your new stage in life (with or without her as you both see fit).

The decision is up to you. I personally did a no contact break up from a LTR for about 4 years before I reconnected with my ex. I knew from observing how she treated her friends while we were together that she was a great friend and a good person. That kind of friend is hard to find so I reached out to see if she was interested in being friends. I made a short but very awkward speech about why, which also made it clear I had no intentions of being romantically involved again (that's pretty key). And things worked out well. After catching up, she revealed that she realized she was gay after our break up. Suddenly our incompatibilities made more sense. Hindsight is 20-20.

this post was submitted on 12 Sep 2023
59 points (95.4% liked)

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