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this post was submitted on 16 Sep 2023
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Personally, it's nbd when people slip up - especially people who've known me for a very long time pre-transition. Oftentimes they correct themselves, and I usually feel worse that they feel bad about it. It's pretty easy to tell when it's intentional or not, and I reserve my ire for people who clearly mean disrespect.
Though, I should say, that's now - early on in transition, it was certainly a bit harder to take. It reminded me of very fresh family abandonment and abuse over my identity. That's not on the people who accidentally called me by the wrong pronoun, but it certainly could put me in a pretty bad place and I'm sure I wasn't the friendliest in those moments. The more that trans folks are supported by their friends and family, the more secure they feel and the less likely they are to react strongly to being accidentally misgendered, imo.
But what the anti-trans people tend to miss when making the "offended every mis-gender" is the wide gulf of difference between being hurt and being offended. I've known people in Emergency Services who had PTSD triggered by off-color comments that reminded them of something they lived through (things like "he'll have your head for this"... you can imagine why).
They weren't offended by those off-color comments. They were hurt. And those of us who care about them are careful not to say things that hurt those we love. But if we do slip up, we know and they know that it wasn't out of malice, and nobody is offended.
...except the people who want to call you by your deadname because hurting you makes them feel good. They are offended, and they want to hurt you. And nobody should be making excuses for them. Dozens of people here are, and that's a shame.
Well said. We'd be so much better off if people generally had a better understanding of (c)PTSD. Everyone has a responsibility for how they act, but maladaptation is a hell of a thing and takes lots of time to address, especially when people know these triggers and weaponize them because they want to see you hurt.