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this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2023
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No Stupid Questions
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I don't think it's a man/woman thing. I have been friends with men who were very supportive during such times, and women who saw it as weakness. I've also met a lot of women who are turned off by romantic gestures and sentimental feelings coming from men. And of course, I've encountered many that were the reverse of these.
So I honestly don't think gender is a factor here. I think it varies a lot from person to person regardless of gender. It also highly depends on your relationship with that person. Don't expect a lot of support or empathy from your most casual friends. Some friends will run away from you at the first sign of anything remotely 'clingy'.
This is almost certainly part of it. Reality is, most people will only have one or two friendships that are developed enough to be even close to totally vulnerable with. Most people have between 3 to 5 close friends, without much regard for gender.
In the age of social media, friendships seem diluted to me. The vast majority of people you meet, if you come out and dump the mess of your life on them… they’re gonna back away.
It isn’t that they’re unempathetic, either. Maintaining that kind of intimate friendship requires a lot of effort and intentionality; people are going to take a step back because they just don’t have the energy to deal with it and the relationship lacks the frame work of trust and mutual understanding to do more than “gee that sucks. Uhm. Good luck with that.”
That said, it is entirely possible that the culture one finds oneself in has dictated all the things that are being said elsewhere here. For a common example, religious congregations that hew to conservative/traditional relationships.
I agree. People have always been selfish and self-absorbed to varying degrees. But social media acts as an amplifier of that, from what I've seen.
Thanks for pointing this out (and your other good points). It's not reasonable to expect just any random person you know to be a shoulder to cry on.
Unfortunately, I think our modern "pace of life" here in 2023 has diminished the number and quality of those deeper friendships. I think back to my parents in the 70s and 80s, and how they had close friends that they would spend a lot of time talking on the phone with, visiting with in person on a frequent basis, writing letters and postcards to, etc. Much of that would seem completely absurd to a young person today. People are terrified of talking on the phone, and have forgotten how to do anything but conduct robot-like business on the phone (and they resent doing even that).