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can anyone tell me wtf this is?
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Nah, bugs have sucking mouthparts, and are insects. those aren't sucking mouthparts. Those things chew. And too many legs to be an insect, or a bug.
Ok, as I said I'm not an expert. What is it then? A monster?
Honestly hadd to say. Looks to me like an arthropod, and perhaps even an insect. Just maybe those extra legs are pseuodopods (like the fake legs of a caterpillar) of a nymph (juvenile). It could be a dragonfly larva? There is no indication of size, but seems like baby dragonfly that I have seen in the past. If small though, it could be a silverfish. Those aren't insects, just arthropods, they are related to slaters.