Because what has the U.S. ever done since declaring independence? Truly nothing but a downward slope since the heady colonial days.

This is like Hugh Grant, when the anniversary of the Elizabeth Hurley divorce rolls around, trying to pretend he's drinking cabinets of scotch because he's "celebrate no longer being responsible for that bitch, Liz" and totally not because he's a broken, barely-recognizable husk of his former glorious self. And we should know.