Thank you Nome @NomedaBarbarian
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@NomedaBarbarian on Twitter:
Thinking about how I've been lied to as an #ADHD person about what habits are.
That apparently is not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits are things that they do without thinking.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system...which I lack.
Every single time I have brushed my teeth, it's been an active choice. I've had to devote thought and attention to it. It's not a routine, it's not a habit, it's something that I know is good to do, and hopefully I can remember to do it.
Every single time I exercise, or floss, or pay my rent, or drink water, or say "bless you" when someone sneezes,
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier.
Just more familiar.
It's part of my struggle with my weight--exercise never becomes a habit, and every single time I do it, it is exactly as hard as the first time. It takes exactly as much willpower & thought.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit". And blamed, when it didn't.
Drinking water isn't a habit. Feeding myself isn't a habit. Bathing isn't a habit.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
Not for me. I've been trying to learn an instrument for several years. I can make it maybe a few days at a time before I forget to keep doing it. If I'm very persistent I can get in enough days of erratic practice to learn a short song.
Playing short sequence of notes is kinda-sorta automatic as in I don't have to think about all the details of positioning my right hand (it's a bit like touch typing on a keyboard, I don't have to think about the individual letters), but that's about the maximum level of 'automatic' I've been able to achieve. Finger placement for every chord is completely conscious, every key change, placement of emphasis, etc., all deliberate, conscious actions.
While it's kind of satisfying to make it through a piece, it's not relaxing in any way. I keep hoping that someday I'll get good enough at it that I can make it through at least one song without needing to think about each step, but it's slow-going.
That sounds more like the muscle memory isn't there yet. I can play a few instruments (badly), but it's because I really wanted to do it when I was younger, and developed the muscle memory.
I haven't played properly for a few years, so now I'm back to a similar place to you, and have to think about what I'm doing again.
What I've been finding helpful is making a playlist of the songs I want to learn, or to play again, and putting it on nice and loud. It makes me want to play along, and seems to let me concentrate on the songs.
Good luck :)