Thank you Nome @NomedaBarbarian
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@NomedaBarbarian on Twitter:
Thinking about how I've been lied to as an #ADHD person about what habits are.
That apparently is not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits are things that they do without thinking.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system...which I lack.
Every single time I have brushed my teeth, it's been an active choice. I've had to devote thought and attention to it. It's not a routine, it's not a habit, it's something that I know is good to do, and hopefully I can remember to do it.
Every single time I exercise, or floss, or pay my rent, or drink water, or say "bless you" when someone sneezes,
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier.
Just more familiar.
It's part of my struggle with my weight--exercise never becomes a habit, and every single time I do it, it is exactly as hard as the first time. It takes exactly as much willpower & thought.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit". And blamed, when it didn't.
Drinking water isn't a habit. Feeding myself isn't a habit. Bathing isn't a habit.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
My girlfriend, her mother and several family members have adhd. It's quite the experience for me beings I don't have it but I do understand it much better than I used to so I navigate the relationship rather well now... but people with adhd fatigue much quicker than people without it. The brain is being overworked and the mental becomes physical.
If you're exhausted, you sometimes don't communicate the right things, you won't normally finish an activity you started and you quite literally feel tired all the time. The depression is like buying bullets with the +p... it's more powerful but in the context we're talking about... the adhd seems more potent or concentrated to the point you become unaware of it often times than not.
Always seeking approval and or justification is your natural habitat... you want to be loved, you're insecure and you just hate that you ended up with this to work through or worry about. When you hurt someone, you typically hurt more because you didn't mean to hurt anyone. Often, you'll lie about something in order to protect your vulnerability or to avoid conflict of any sort.
This is what I have experienced with an adult where their ADHD has gone unmanaged and unnoticed but we're tearing down the walls and she's learning to communicate better as well as becoming more attentive to her condition while accepting it and working a little to make it a bit easier so it works for her and I...
In my experience with her for almost 6yrs now.... once I stopped seeing her as a threat, and when I stopped allowing her to constantly fumble the ball, things started improving but she had to understand and see what she was doing and how it effects people around her and even the responsibilities as an adult. For me, I had to learn how to not speak out of turn, and I had to help her find understanding without becoming insulting and it required me to be more supportive and loving before she started making an effort to cope on her own and willing to change some things that weren't healthy for the both of us.
This is the short version but hopefully you guys and gals understand what I'm sharing.
If you or someone you love has adhd. Wear it proudly! You are awesome and you are important and play a vital role in society. You go through things others don't think about or feel so don't give anyone the power to force you to live under a rock. If they were wise, they could learn quite a lot of good things about you, even if you can't say a whole lot about yourself that would represent you in a good light. In my opinion, you are the light so stay shiny!
Good post, but what was she doing regularly that made her feel like a threat to you, if you don't mind my asking? Thanks for sharing all this. I'm trying to ascertain my own mental state and it is all overwhelming.
Thanks for your reply!
So what I mean by her being a threat to me doesn't suggest that she is violent towards me although some people, especially females can be violent sometimes.
I'm talking about more of an external way to regulate anxiety. Usually this is why you'll hear some people share on various public forums or other social media that they think people with adhd are also narcissist. This is simply not true! They're just trying to manage the anxiety and stress and beings the battle is so extreme internally, people with adhd will often project their feelings towards someone else who they are close to in order to find relief for themselves. It appears to be of a malevolent or apathetic argument at that point and beyond because of the struggle to focus on any one thing for very long because the brain constantly runs. Usually people with adhd will feel like they are being gas-lighted if there's a reproach.
It feels threatening when it happens but you can ask anyone with adhd, if they're caught in the act of doing this and are confronted, they'll always argue the fact that you said they did something bad and you didn't like it. They'll change the narrative most of the time because it simply isn't a thing for most people with adhd to be some kind of malevolent and violent person. If you have a partner with adhd and you have open communication about stuff like this when it happens and you really love each other, you'll find a childlike sorrow underneath all the hurt and or anger... just LOVE them and you'll learn so much more about adhd than you could in a counseling session alone. It's important that I never play the victim in any of these cases but instead I create a no judgment zone and atmosphere where I can still communicate in such a way she understands what she said or did without exposing her intention in a negative light.
Some things are hard to explain to others unless you have lived out the experience. I hope the words I chose to try and answer your question was adequate enough and if not, I hope we can talk more about this or maybe someone else who is apart of this community can help me explain it better.
But in all, I hope you find comfort and peace in your life and if you struggle with adhd that while you take an adventure to find yourself in all this it will become less burdensome to you.
Did you know that many people with adhd. Once they learn more about it, they find relief? Things they have struggled with or any opposition they've faced along the way helps them understand why it all happened and they now have more tools in their toolbox to help them navigate life a little easier...
I hope you and everyone else here has a wonderful day and thanks again for your reply!